Dreams

“Why live life from dream to dream? And dread the day when dreaming ends.”
-- “One Day I’ll Fly Away,” Nicole Kidman

Someone asked me in Formspring about giving up on dreams. Apparently he has invested so much time and energy to become a nurse; unfortunately, nowadays it’s so difficult to get into a hospital if one doesn’t have a backer. After several unsuccessful attempts, he is on the verge of giving up being a nurse.

Ever since we were young we’ve been taught to dream. “What do you want to be when you grow up?” is a question adults ask kids all the time. In my time the popular answer would be “astronaut” or “pilot” or “doctor.” We either pursue those childhood dreams or, as I suspect almost all of us do, we’d toss them aside for newer dreams.

When I was in high school, I wanted to become a film director. That determined my choice of course for college. Since there was no film course in my college, I took up Communication Arts instead. I thought having a broader background will be advantageous for me in the long run because I’d develop other skills as well as get exposed to other forms of media.

True enough, after college I applied to film companies, but none were responding. So I tried television networks, but got zilch too. Radio stations didn’t respond also. In the end, I ended up working for theater at the CCP. Then I moved to advertising, where I stayed for more than 5 years. Finally I was able to join ABS-CBN in 2000. In my stint there I was also exposed to Star Cinema and its big bosses. After 6 years there I went back to advertising. Now I’m working for another network. And in all those years of work, the closest thing I did to being a director was to produce TV plugs. As a writer/producer of plugs, I would sometimes need to shoot talents. In doing so, I get to call out “Rolling!” and “Action!” and “Cut!”

Throughout the years after graduation I would take stock of where I am and inevitably I would ask that one difficult question I had for myself: “What about my dream of becoming a film director?” At first my answers came easily, almost glibly: “I still have more time.” “I’m still amassing experience and savings.” “I’m still enjoying myself in what I’m currently doing.” But the older I get, the more I had to confront the issue head-on; I was not getting any younger.

Finally I had to ask myself: “Do I still want to be a film director?” Because if I really, really wanted to be one, I wouldn’t have wasted all this time. I would have made use of the contacts and connections that I had. I would have been more focused. I would have been that driven. But I wasn’t. Why is that so? I had to ask myself. Maybe that dream was more wishful thinking. Maybe I came up with that dream not knowing what it entailed. And when I found out what being a director entails (long hours, a million-and-one details and headaches to attend to, all that responsibility on one’s shoulders), I had to ask myself again: “Is that what I really want?”

So when finally I “let go” of my dream, it wasn’t without much fanfare, nor much pain. (Well, okay, okay, full disclosure: I cheated. I kinda didn’t fully let go. I just told myself, “Well, maybe not now. But given all these indie films cropping up, it’s not inconceivable that I’ll end up directing a short indie film in the future. Maybe in the future.”)

What I realized is this: My career path may look accidental, but my success in whatever I did is no accident. I make it a point to always do my best in whatever I get myself into. That means learning new things and getting along with people. So I got to amass experience and knowledge while building up a wider network.

I learned early on that one dream may not be enough. Dreams can also change, because people change. Human beings are resilient. And we are never satisfied; we always seek for something more. Boredom and stagnation are for those who never have lived.

So I told Nurse-Wannabe: There's nothing wrong with back-up plans, alternative careers and change of plans. And who knows? You might get into the nursing profession thru a different route. Or you might end up living an even more interesting life.

I always keep in mind the following cliches: Life is not a problem to be solved but a mystery to be lived. The best-laid plans of mice and men oft go awry. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Enjoy living; Life is the greatest adventure.

“Have you any dreams you’d like to sell?
Dreams of Loneliness, like a heartbeat drives you mad,
in the stillness of remembering
what you had, and what you lost.”
-- “Dreams,” Fleetwood Mac