When My Mind’s Made Up

(Good lord, so this is what happens when I watch “Love Of Siam” a second and third time!)

* * * * *

I had the biggest crush on him the first time I saw him in college. But he had a girlfriend and a male best friend with him. But registration was on my side; we ended up as first-year homeroom classmates, while his girlfriend and best friend were placed elsewhere. And we just clicked. We were the only two people we knew who loved ELO. Since we shared the same course and class schedules, I eventually replace his best friend as his constant school companion. But he was straight, and I was still very much in the closet.

Whenever he confided in me his problems with his girlfriend, I was secretly elated. But I would always help him patch things up with her, even if every bone in my body cried otherwise. He let me into his life, his room, his heart. Still I never let him in on my secret.

Expectedly we were thesis mates during fourth year. Faced with all those late nights and long meetings—and the inevitable graduation—finally, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I told him.

He said he couldn’t love me the way I wanted him to. “But nothing will change between us,” he promised.

I pulled back a bit; part of me wanted to put him to the test. At first he was the one reaching out. But pretty soon he too pulled back. And I took that against him.

We almost didn’t graduate because we weren’t able to submit our thesis paper in time. But in the end we marched as scheduled.

I thought that was it. But less than a year after graduation, we worked together in the same office. A couple of years after, we both moved to another company. It took me more than three years to get over him—after he got married and moved to the US. These days we rarely communicate.

I fell (hard) several more times afterwards with straight guys; always unrequited, each episode shorter than the one before, and not all with dramatic endings. Some just simply ended. And then I said: Never again.

So, if you want something
And you call, call
Then I’ll come running
To fight, and I’ll be at your door
When there’s something worth running for

When your mind’s made up
There’s no point trying to change it
When your mind’s made up
There’s no point trying to stop it

You see, you’re just like everyone
When the shit falls all you want to do is run, away
And hide all by yourself
When you’re far from me, there’s nothing else

When your mind’s made up
There’s no point trying to change it
When your mind’s made up
There’s no point trying to stop it

(by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova
from the OST of the movie Once)