The Fabcasters On Relationships, Part 2

On this second part of the Fabcasters’ discussion on the relationship, D and I answer Jason’s question, “Aren’t you enough for one another?” We also conclude our story of our open relationship, as Tony joins belatedly into the discussion.

“Are you open to an open relationship?” This question is tackled by the others, especially by Gibbs and Bogs, Migs, and Tony.

The second part ends with an unexpected arrival by another latecomer to the peanut gallery.

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Music credits:
“Love Me For A Reason” by Boyzone
“Love Is For Singing” by the Apo Hiking Society
“Turn Up The Radio” by Madonna
“A Different Point Of View” by the Pet Shop Boys

Ang Pagdadalaga Ni McVie, Part 4

Part 4: That’s What Friends Are For (or On Friendships)

Friends have always been very important to me. They provide me with support, inspiration, stability and, since I like to surround myself with witty people who know how to laugh at themselves, much laughter.

It was in grade school that I first joined a barkada. We stayed together until after college. Today my original barkada is now scattered all over the U.S.; only two of us stayed in the country. Thanks to college theater and work, I formed new sets of friends. With Internet, the world opened up to me, and that’s when I met other like-minded gay guys. And that’s how the Fabcasters were formed.

There was a time in the past that I saw my friends as my alternative to the lack of a lovelife. Having different sets of friends meant more choices if I needed to hang out with someone. And different sets meant shifting gears and having a wider repertoire of interests. That’s why when people ask me, “Isn’t it lonely to be alone and single?” I now disagree. It took me years to realize, but eventually I first discovered that my friends keep me from being bored. And a couple more years, I learned an even more important lesson: I myself can keep me from being bored.

You can’t choose family, but you can most certainly choose your friends. So choose well, choose wisely, especially when it comes to gay friends. I first came out to a female friend because I felt she was my safest choice. But immediately after that, I made it a point to also come out to the gay friends that I had. Because being gay means being treated differently, it’s great to have similar-minded people with whom you can bond with, look up to, emulate, and eventually learn from.

And don’t be afraid to let some go, eventually and organically. It’s a fact of life; there will be people whose path of growth will diverge from yours. You may have a lot of shared past, but you now face separate futures. So learn how to move on with grace and love. It’s a valuable lesson that you will definitely keep coming back to, and will serve you well with your family and even with your partner (or partners).

That’s why nowadays I don’t see friendships as an alternative to a lovelife. No, friendships are, in and of themselves, a special and different kind of love. It is not romantic love, but it is love nonetheless.

And if what they say is true, that ideally your lover should also be your friend, isn’t it great that you already have people with whom you can hone your skills in the art of devotion, loyalty, respect, selflessness, and eventually, saying goodbye? (Hello, AJ!)

Thank god for friends.

(Up next, Part 5: We Are Family)

The Fabcasters On Relationships, Part 1

Two years ago the Fabcasters were all single, and we marked that occasion with a Fabcast that’s also significant because it was also to be the penultimate recording with AJ.

Today, Migs, Gibbs, CC, Tony, and I are all in relationships. So now we marked the occasion with a Fabcast recording on relationships. (We hope it’s not the penultimate recording of someone though, bwhahaha! Excuse the ghoulish sense of humor, I rarely get to flaunt it these days.)

I guess D and I were chosen to go first because we were the only partners present in the recording. So first on the Fab grill: “Danyeeear” and I discuss our open relationship.

Click on the link below and listen.

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Music credits:

“Out Of The Game” by Rufus Wainwright
“Lovegame” by Lady Gaga
“Left To My Own Devices” by Pet Shop Boys

Ang Pagdadalaga Ni McVie, Part 3

Part 3: All You Need Is Love (or On Relationships & Love)

So far my biggest, longest-lasting hang-up was: “Why am I single since birth?” From the time I was attracted to the same sex until I was 44 years old, I was enjoying what is euphemistically called “single blessedness.” I thought the euphemism was cloying, annoying, and condescending, until I had a boyfriend. Now I still think there’s a tinge of consuelo-de-bobo shade in the term, but now that I can compare being single versus having a partner, I can now say with conviction that, indeed, the former has its blessings.

But that will fall on deaf ears of the desperate and the delusional. Desperate because they want a partner above all else; delusional because they think that love is the answer. All they need is love, love is all there is.

Actually this need to be coupled is a universal need. But among gays, it becomes especially significant because we’ve been accused of being incapable of having long term relationships of the monogamous kind. Makati at malandi are easily attributed to homosexuals. Not surprising; as I said in Part 2, sex is seen in a narrow context (I blame this on imposed Catholic guilt regarding sex). Thus I think this spurs a lot of gay guys to want to prove that gays are capable of achieving the Holy Grail that straight couples aim for: a long-term monogamous relationship.

This need to be coupled is reinforced by pop culture. Literature, popular music, and the movies all have their share of love stories. That these soap operas, melodramas, and romantic comedies aren’t limited to one culture indicates that this is very much a universal theme. And there is a good reason behind it. Man is a social creature; he is built to socialize with his fellow men.

Nature also made falling in love desirable. The joyful rush, the increased heart rate and blood flow, and the dilation of the eyes--the physical manifestations of falling in love are akin to being high on drugs. And there’s a natural logic to it all; Man needs to copulate so as to ensure the species survives. But Man is unlike animals. In the animal kingdom, when females are in heat they and the males respond instinctively. But Nature has kicked Man out of that instinctual habit. If we want to have sex, we don’t release pheromones; instead, we negotiate. We flirt. We even bamboozle.

Since birth, we are bombarded with all of these Love! Love! Love! messages from both Nature and Nurture. No wonder we’re always looking for love.

Back in high school when I started getting interested in guys, I was attracted to only straight men. That led me to a series of unrequited love, and it took me a while to snap out of that vicious cycle. When I was in my late 20s, I was desperately seeking love on weekends, first in Malate, then in Makati. When I was still single when I hit mid-30s, I told myself, “Career na lang nga muna. Love will happen when it will happen.” And yet still I secretly wished, “Lord, give me a lover!”

It was only when I was into my 40s that I finally found some peace in the idea that I may be single for the rest of my life. It was the fear of “OMG, I’ll still be single when I get old!” that fueled my need for a partner. And when I turned 41, 42, and so forth, I still didn’t find someone. More and more I got comfortable with the idea of being single. My only regret was that I could never really know what it was like to have a boyfriend. But that’s something I have no control over. The one indisputable fact of love is that it takes two to tango.

At 44 I finally met a tango partner.

So now that I can compare, I can safely say that having someone in your life gives you a chance to know yourself even more. Most of these lessons you can actually learn from family and friends. However, it’s so easy to take family and friends for granted. With a partner, the lessons are a lot harder to avoid and evade. And I’m so thankful that it’s D who’s with me on this.

What I also realized is that Love doesn’t favor straight or gay. We actually share in the same fears and go through the same problems (well, except for the sex problems, of course).

Some people, when they hear my story, would react with, “Oh wow, it took you so long. Poor unfortunate you.” But I don’t feel unfortunate; in fact, I count myself lucky. Knowing how emotional I was when I was younger, I am glad that I met D when I was more stable and less emotionally volatile. (D may want to disagree with me on the last statement though, hahaha!)

At least Fate spared me and you many an emo post.

(Up next, Part 4: That’s What Friends Are For)

Ang Pagdadalaga Ni McVie, Part 2

Part 2: Let’s Talk About Sex (or Being Sex-positive)

I started getting interested in sex during high school, when I’d see my male classmates pouring over girlie magazines and I’d be turned on peeking at their hard-ons.

Shortly after that I had my first sexual encounter. It was in a movie house in Cubao with a total stranger. In high school I started watching movies on my own (I discovered the joys of watching a movie again and again and seeing the reaction of the crowd during different showings, but that’s for another topic altogether). One day I was watching alone in Quezon 2 (back when there were no malls, movies were shown in stand-alone theaters; however, those theater owners saw the value of having more than one screen, and so that started the trend of having Quezon 1&2, Coronet 1&2, Remar 1&2, etc., but again that’s for another topic) when a guy sat next to me. That was the beginning of my movie-cruising years. Then I discovered massage parlors, but part of me was (and still is) put off by monetary payments and negotiations.

It was when I discovered bath houses that I really let loose my inner slut. At first I felt a pinch of Catholic guilt after a particularly raunchy time in the bath house. Over time that guilt disappeared, but it wasn’t because I forgot about it. As I experienced encounter after encounter, I asked myself if there really was anything wrong with it. We were both consenting adults, we knew what we were getting into, and (eventually, with the advent of HIV) we also made sure we played safe. So I asked myself: What’s wrong with responsible sex between two consenting adults?

Some people would say that only sex with love can reach ecstatic heights that casual sex cannot. Or that sex with love has more meaning versus casual sex. That may be true for certain people; heck, it may even be true for most people.

However, sex defies surveys and popular choices. Sex is about finding out what you enjoy the most; even better, sex is about two individuals satisfying one another. (Yes, most casual sex partners tend to just worry about their own satisfaction. But assuming that both parties fairly mature, and both are looking out for their own needs, then most likely the negotiations will produce a win-win situation.) Physical satisfaction may sound limited, but those who’ve experienced what endorphins can do will attest that the satisfaction goes beyond physical.

And assuming that sex-with-love really is the most mind-blowing of sexual experiences, what about those who aren’t in relationships? Casual sex, especially the raunchy, sweaty, heart-and-waist-pumping kind, can reach heights of ecstasy too. It may not be the same, but it sure can be quite toe-curling. Don’t believe me? Perhaps you haven’t been getting much.

So what does being sex-positive have to do with being gay? Our choice of sex partner is the very definition of “homosexuality,” but sex between two men (or two women) is still quite the taboo. We should be allowed to exercise our gayness without the stigma.

That includes the scorn that we get from our fellow gay men. An active sex life is seen as slutty instead of healthy. Again, I ask: So what’s wrong with being a slut?

So you’re contented with having occasional sex. So you prefer sex only in the context of a monogamous loving relationship. So you think the ass is purely “exit only, no entry.” Fine, well and good. But don’t force your views on everyone. Don’t put yourself higher than everyone else. Not everyone thinks that every sperm is sacred. Sex need not be limited to the procreational kind; sex can also be recreational. Sex is a matter of motive and taste, and in taste there’s no dispute or dictatorship.

And just because I am a slut because I have more sex than you doesn’t make me a lesser person. It just means I work harder. It just means I’m comfortable with the idea that 2 responsible adult males can decide to engage in a physical activity that will result in a lot of sweat, physical exertion, possibly some soreness in certain parts of the body, and a general feeling of euphoria after the deed. If it sounds like I just described two men playing tennis, well, there you go. Recreational sex is just like playing tennis, except that one shouldn’t hit the balls too hard.

George Michael had a hit song entitled, “I Want Your Sex (Part 1)” and the following lines really resonated with me:
It’s natural,

It’s chemical (Let’s do it!)

It’s logical,

Habitual (Can we do it?)

It’s sensual,

But most of all...

Sex is something we should do.

Sex is something for me and you.
Sex is natural, sex is good.

Not everybody does it,

But everybody should.

Sex is natural, sex is fun,

Sex is best when it’s one on one.

Well okay, so I don’t always agree with the last line (hey, don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it), but you get my point.

(Up next, Part 3: All You Need Is Love)

Ang Pagdadalaga Ni McVie, Part 1

One of my biggest struggles in accepting and loving myself was my very narrow definition of a gay man. Gay equals bakla equals Dolphy’s Fefita Fofonggay equals Roderick Paulate equals all the loud beauty parlor hairdressers screaming over the shrill whirl of hair blowers. I didn’t and couldn’t identify with them, so what did that make me?

Eventually I learned about straight-acting (or at least straight-looking) gay guys, and I found a way to wrap my head around the idea that I can be gay and yet not end up with plucked eyebrows. (At some point I did start plucking my eyebrows, but that was already me well into my journey to Fag-bulousness. More on that later.)

Having a positive role model that I can emulate was not my only struggle. I had a lot of hurdles to overcome in my journey to becoming comfortable in my own skin. Let me tackle them one by one in a series of episodes here in The McVie Show. Let me call this mini-series, “Ang Pagdadalaga Ni McVie.”

Part 1: Losing My Religion (or On Coming To Terms With My Faith And Religion)

My struggle to make sense of my faith was fundamental in my development as a person. I had to reconcile my sexual orientation (a homosexual) with my religion (a Roman Catholic).

Part of the problem with religion, especially among us Filipinos, is that we’re brainwashed with it from birth until we start thinking for ourselves. So the struggle is against more than a decade of imposed belief and behavior. Thank god for puberty; for most of us, it’s the time we question things taught to us. Unfortunately for me, I was never the rebellious kind, so my questioning started much later.

I was told that homosexuals were sinners and doomed to damnation. So I had two choices: be a faithful Catholic and stop having sex and falling in love with other guys, or leave the Church’s fold. At that time I wasn’t willing to be a non-believer, but I also didn’t want to become celibate.

My breakthrough happened during my fourth year high school retreat. In agony, I confessed to the Jesuit priest who was hearing confessions about my homosexuality, and I asked him, “Father, am I doomed?” His answer stunned me. He said that while the Church’s current stand on homosexuality hasn’t changed, he personally believed that it was God Himself who made me homosexual, and that He loved me unconditionally. Hearing it from a priest reassured me; maybe, one day my Church will stop looking down on me and my fellow queers.

Eventually I heard of more Catholic priests (not just Jesuits) who privately believed differently even though they publicly towed the Church’s official line. But eventually I got tired of waiting for changes to happen in the Church. And given my increasing disappointment with the Church’s stand on several matters, I decided to drop my religion. Besides, I was non-practicing for quite some time already. I still believe in God, but mine’s different from the Church’s. I still have my faith, even though I lost my religion.

(Up next, Part 2: Let’s Talk About Sex)

Lead Us Out Of The Dark Ages, My Lord

I think it’s crafty that the Philippine Catholic Church built into their belief system the idea of humility and obedience as a way of making sure their followers tow the line. How? The story of Satan’s Fall shows how pride and disobedience led to the former angel’s descent into disgrace.

Humility and obedience, such a powerful combination. You cannot question authority or teachings, because to do so would be disobedience. If something doesn’t make sense, you should have the humility to accept that some teachings really do not make sense.

I am not surprised that such mentality is espoused and even flaunted by our bishops. Their call for an investigation on the 159 professors of the Ateneo de Manila University who declared their personal stand for the RH Bill is, for me, a sign of the Church Hierarchy flexing their supposed muscles. This, despite the fact that the Ateneo president already clarified that the University’s stand is similar to the CBCP, and that in the classrooms the stand of the Church against the RH Bill is also taught.

What seems to get the bishops’ goats is the fact that the University allows dissenting opinions to not only be discussed openly, but for faculty members to make a public stand that’s contrary to the Church.

I can understand it if the Church wants pre-school and even high school kids of Catholic institutions to be fed the Church’s line. But here’s where I disagree with the bishops: by college level, the students should be encouraged to think and decide for themselves.

After all, as adults we eventually grow up. Life and Experience will teach us that not everything Mommy and Daddy said is true. There is no Santa Claus. Religion is the opium of the masses. And love stories don’t end in “Happily Ever After” with fade out; instead, they continue on with new complexities and complications alike.

One of the reasons why I stopped going to mass was because, as I grew older, the more I found the parish priest’s homilies too simplistic. It’s as if he was talking down to an 8 year old. More and more the mass became irrelevant to me.

I humbly believe in a God who is not irrelevant nor detached from reality. He is a God who makes sense, who appeals with Reason, not Fear. He may not come down to do miracles first-hand like in the Old Testament, but He shows His hand through other people’s actions. That’s the God I choose to believe in, a God that exists in the Now and not in the Dark Ages, a God that is different from that of the Philippine Catholic Church.

Amen.