Where Do I Go From Here?

I started blogging back in 2004. That was eight years ago. I remember discovering and getting excited with all of these gay bloggers who, thanks to the relative anonymity of the Internet, had given voice to our pink concerns. Now, I said, I can also hear my voice in others.

It was my friend Nelz whose blog I read first. I was amazed at his chutzpa in posting intimate, graphic details of his sexcapades. From Nelz’s blog list, I started blog-hopping, discovering other pink voices. Some were more graphic than Nelz, others were more circumspect. And that got me wondering. How much of it on the Net is the truth, and how much is just press release? Is there a way to tiptoe on that fine line between the two?

My original intention for The McVie Show was to come up with a “personal diary” that was as much a show as it was truthful. Present my life in an entertaining way, for there is an audience out there (yes, I assumed at least one other person will want to read about me). And because some bloggers were quite prolific, I also wanted to post an entry a day.

After a week or two I tweaked my original “reason for being” and instead opted to present the more entertaining aspects of my life. And what topic was a surefire crowd-drawer? My sexcapades in bathhouses, cinemas, and gym saunas soon became fodder for the Show.

But change was inevitable. Cinemas stopped allowing viewers to sit through multiple screenings. Slimmers World shut down all of their saunas and steam rooms. And my bathhouse stories were compiled and published.

Before one could express oneself in forums and blogs. But then Facebook and Twitter allowed us to rant and rave in a more focused and succinct manner (well, some a lot less wordy than others). Suddenly we had to be all Strunk & Whitean with our tweets and status updates; others chose to go jejemonic and txt-jargonic in their attempt to stay within 140 characters. Still the damage was done. We said things shorter and in an instant. Responses happened in a blink of a refresh. Thanks to comments, likes, and retweets, our singular voices could now be magnified into an online roar. And all that without having to worry about drafts and spell-checks and word crafting.

Blogging became the equivalent of a concept album on vinyl at time when everyone else is shuffling among disparate individual MP3 tracks.

Yesterday I got an email from Nelz. He had stopped blogging years ago. Now he announced that he’s unplugged himself from Facebook, and will now spend his time reading books.

I too have thought of unplugging. But still there’s something that draws me back to my blog. I don’t know what it is, and right now I’m not too keen on finding out what. I am also still figuring out which direction to go. But as the adage says, “The show must go on.”

As Is! (ala-Clueless)

This is the first episode of The McVie Show under Republic Act No. 10175 (or the Cybercrime Prevention Act), and I will proceed with business as usual. And speaking of....

At first my objection was the 11th-hour inclusion by that stupid and pikon Sotto of the libel clause in the said Act. I object to both his underhandedness and the inclusion of libel as a cybercrime.

Ironically though, his actions threw a blazing spotlight on the whole Cybercrime Act, and further scrutiny showed that there were other problematic provisions in RA 10175, with the problem mostly on vagueness. Cybersex is now a crime? What about cybersex between two consenting adults? And what’s the difference between cybersex and phone sex/sexting, and why is there no hullabaloo on the latter when it’s been here longer? And have the authors really thought through how they will implement the law? Is liking or sharing posts considered “aiding or abetting”?

Given the noise being made about it, I think it’ll be sometime before the dust settles. Meanwhile I will continue to express myself, and the Show goes on. Fuck it.

Ang Pagdadalaga Ni McVie, Part 5

Part 5: We Are Family (or Dealing With Our Givens)

Ah family! We can choose our friends but we can’t choose who we’re born into.

In many ways, our family is responsible for our formation in our early years. We get from them our faith, our beliefs, our ideals, and so forth. We didn’t have a choice. Whatever our parents told us to believe in, we believed wholeheartedly. God. The Tooth Fairy. Santa Claus. And gays are an abomination.

Sadly that’s what I grew up with. I don’t remember my parents being vocally against homosexuals. But their behavior towards them spoke volumes, how easily they dismissed them, and how they turn their noses up against the homosexuals in our neighborhood. My parents were outwardly friendly to the baklang mananahi named Jamie, or to the baklita who watched over the sari-sari store in front of our house. But they were still bayot, and as far as my parents were concerned, they did not measure up to being a man.

Thank god my parents sent me to a particular Jesuit institution, and thank god for the pasaway Jesuits and their pasaway teachers who taught me to think for myself. I really understood the value of questioning what was taught to you back when you were helpless to resist.

Another difficulty for those growing up in the closet is the idea of coming out to one’s own family. There’s this pressure for full disclosure to the people you love; the idea being, if you love someone then you should be completely honest with them. After all, coming out is a sign of trust, right?

Sadly, it’s a lot more complicated than that when it comes to blood relations. Family dynamics are like snowflakes; no two are exactly alike. And for every “painless” coming out story, there’s an opposite story that shows the sad truth of parents not being able to understand and accept their gay son or daughter. And what makes it different from partners and friends is that you do not choose your family. Even if you decide to completely cut ties with them (or vise versa), the the fact remains that there is a biological connection. Perhaps that fact will eventually become inconsequential; or sadly, it may become a source of contention and friction later on in life (for example, if there are inheritance issues).

At first I too thought, “Oh no, one day I should come out to my parents. They deserve to know who I really am.” But I kept pushing it off, waiting for the “right” time. Then my dad died, so I thought, hey, it’ll be easier to tell my mom. But I still kept putting it off. Then one day it dawned on me: I am not defined by my sexuality. I am more than just what I do in the privacy of my bedroom. And adults understand that it’s okay if some things are better left unsaid. I mean, do I really wanna know the sexual activities and proclivities of my mom?!

So now I have a relaxed attitude towards my family with regards to coming out. If they ask me, I won’t lie. But if they don’t ask me, I won’t volunteer.

Every gay guy who’s still struggling with the idea of coming out to their family should be assured that you do not have to come out, especially if they don’t feel compelled to do it. And no one has the right to compel you. Coming out to the family is an individual decision, and as I said, individuals are as different as snowflakes. You are as dazzling as a snowflake, whether you are out to your family or not.

(Up next, Part 6: Alone)

Project Run(a)way

I don’t get it. So one day you’re in a relationship, the next day you’re out. What is this, Project Runway?

When I was a lot younger, I bought into the whole “‘til Death do us part” bit, which is why in my hopeful mind I thought that the only right way to companionship was to have a long and thorough courtship period. That courtship period serves as time for two people to get to know each other well enough, so that they have enough basis to decide whether to plunge into a serious commitment or not.

It was only much, much later on when it dawned on me that gay Filipinos don’t (and most probably won’t for several years) have the institution of marriage; thus, separation between two gay men is less messy. Consequently, two guys can officially become a couple before the “getting to know you” stage commences. No big deal, really, since we don’t have the institution to tie us down outside of personal choice.

The lack of institutionalized commitment means that gay relationships will rise and fall on the decisions of the two parties involved. On the one hand, this makes gay relationships sound so flighty, so easy-come-easy-go. But on the other hand, this separates the men from the boys.

To be committed takes dedication, patience, and honor. It can be difficult, even more so if there is no legal document that forces one to stay committed. When it’s so easy to just run away, then commitment becomes an act of will.

So if you’re someone who just jumps into a relationship, who doesn’t even stop and consider the implications of choosing to be with someone, who is more in love with being in love than with a real person, then you’re just a kid. Or you’re an old guy who perhaps needs to grow up.

Pride And Survivor

What constitutes national pride? I ask myself that as the worldwide juggernaut of a TV show begins its latest installment, Survivor Philippines. Online I see people tweeting or posting on their Facebook status, “Survivor Philippines makes me so proud of my country!” or some similar sentiment. And that made me wonder. I’m okay with the fact that the show brought in dollars for our economy. I’m also happy that the show becomes an international platform to showcase the beauty of Caramoan in Camarines Sur. But to be proud of it? What is it about Survivor Philippines that makes it a source of national pride? Why should we be proud of as Filipinos?

Predictably, as soon as I tweeted my musing, some immediately reacted, saying they were proud that this international show is showcasing the beauty of out country. One even chided me for being a sourpuss. They must have thought I was bursting their happy bubbles.

But I really am just curious: why should we be proud of being the setting of Survivor? Is it because Survivor shows the beauty of the Philippines, unlike The Bourne Legacy whose producers admitted that they chose Manila because of its dirt and chaos? But if it’s just showcasing the beauty of the Philippines, our Department of Tourism has been doing that for the longest time. Besides, anyone in production will tell you that the choice of location does not rest solely on its telegenic beauty. And if being a Survivor location is a matter of pride, then Upolu, Samoa and Koror, Palau have us beat, with the former being the location of two seasons and the latter of four seasons.

But it seems some of us really make a big deal out of any mention of anything Filipino on an international platform. I’m reminded of Phil. Daily Inquirer’s Ruben V. Nepales who, whenever he interviews a foreign celebrity, always looks for a Filipino connection with that celebrity. A friend of mine tweeted: “Eh kung proud nga tayo na Pinay ang asawa ng pinsan ng kabit ng kapatid ng isang NBA player eh.” To which I replied: “O proud tayo na yung may 1/4 Pinoy blood yung kapatid ng katulong ng teacher ng mga anak nina Brangelina.”

I’m proud of our heroes. I’m proud of our athletes. I’m proud of our country’s beautiful locations. But in Survivor Philippines the country is just a backdrop for the show, not front and center. The contestants are Americans, the whole production is American. I’m happy that part of our country is seen by millions of viewers all over the world. But proud?

Nationalism and patriotism should go deeper than just getting excited every time we hear the words “Philippines,” “Filipino,” and “Pinoy” uttered by foreigners, or when we find out that a Filipino is six or less degrees of separation from (insert foreign celebrity name here).

The Fabcasters On Relationships, Part 4

The fourth and last part, as we wrap up our discussion on monogamy and open relationships. What was supposedly a discussion on the relationship status of the Fabcasters turned into an exchange of views on open relationships and monogamy.

Producer’s note: At the end of the recording, Tony blurted out, “Ambagal ng mga utak ng mga matatanda ngayon ah.” And while I was editing this particular Fabcast, I realized he was right; in particular, I was quite scatterbrained during the whole recording session. On reflection, I wasn’t ready to discuss my open relationship simply because I’m in the middle of it all, and that I’m learning new things every day, mostly about me. So it’s difficult to step back for the bigger picture when you’re deep inside the frame.

Boy, I’m so glad the Fabcasts are not live, ahahaha.

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Music credits:
“My Love Life” by Morrissey
“Super Bass” by Nicki Minaj feat. Ester Dean
“Love Me For What I Am” The Carpenters
“I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys

The Fabcasters On Relationships, Part 3

And now it’s Corporate Closet’s turn to be under the spotlight. Or on the hot seat, if you will. Here CC discusses his past relationships and gamely endures the slings and arrows and barbed quips from his fellow Fabcasters as well as from the peanuts gathered in the gallery.

And maybe it’s unconscious on my part, but when choosing songs for this part, I ended up choosing songs from the 70s. I guess it reflects my age as well, LOL.

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Music credits:
“Love Isn’t Easy” by Abba
“Father And Son” by Cat Stevens
“It’s Sad To Belong” by England Dan and John Ford Coley
“Mahirap Magmahal Ng Syota Ng Iba” by Apo Hiking Society