Brokeback Mountain Out Of A Molehill

Dear You,

Thank you for opening up to me your story. In a way, it confirmed what I had suspected before but decided to give you the benefit of the doubt. I even pushed it out of my mind when we finally met in person in Makati. You sat so stiffly beside me in the car; I attributed it to “I didn’t expect you to be serious” awkwardness and left it at that. I should have done something to loosen you up more, but my usual bag of trick might just have made you stiffer in other areas.

I read your suggestive online entries before but I never thought of them as circumstantial evidence; I just thought they were well written. One even gave me a hard-on after I read it. That seems to be a recurring theme with you.

When you first SMS’ed me about your reaction to one of my episodes here on the Show, I still did not think anything of it. Until you mentioned that you also fell in love with your male best friend. My first reaction was, what about your wife and kid? My second thought was, what about your best friend’s wife and kids?

Your story actually saddened me. Straight guys bond closer than usual, homoerotic banter—not unusual between straight males (“Pare, pa-kiss naman o!” “Oo ba p’re, basta wala lang malisya.”)—becomes sexually charged, dreams about each other become wet, admissions of sexual attraction are shared, and an unfortunate incident drives a wedge between the two of you. Were the two of you subconsciously using this incident to move away from each other? Did you guys sense that if the two of you got any closer, the fusion would be nuclear enough to rip two families apart?

You told me that your best friend’s actions these days are inconsistent, ping-ponging between affection and animosity. But what about your behavior? Have you been consistent? Or are you as baffling to him as he is to you these days?

You asked me if that made you gay. I think that was a genuine gay episode in your life. But for a person to be gay, I believe that person should be predisposed to emotional and physical bonding with the same gender versus the opposite. Your experience could be a one-time-big-time and may never happen again. Or maybe you’ll experience another one, who knows? I think that in the spectrum of sexuality, you still fall under the “straight with a homosexual episode or two in his lifetime” category. If there are flamboyant gay men who genuinely fall in love and lust with a female or two (and even get married), why can’t a similar thing happen on the other side of the spectrum?

You used to be such an enigmatic person for me. Wading through your online entries is like seeing you through funhouse mirrors. After our almost four hour telephone conversation, I admit you became less mysterious. But paradoxically you’ve become more intriguing. Especially now that you seemed to have abruptly decided to not reply to any of my text messages. Maybe you just wanted to catch my attention. Well, here’s your episode with you in the starring role—may it be Oscar-award winning, like the Ang Lee film. But still I’m bothered.

Just as I’m bothered that I thought of you when I was in the shower and my hand went south. Your image though was as fuzzy as your online pictures, and it’s been years since we last met face to face.

Or maybe you just like being the grouch. =)