Dear ‘Pre,“So who’s the man and who’s the woman?”
How many times have I heard you guys ask that question? Usually some straight guy floats this question after he is told that Guy A and Guy B are lovers. In my experience the question is usually asked out of ignorance and curiosity, although I have heard it asked in a tone that’s malicious or with disdain.
That question is a loaded one. It is also a load of crap.
It’s loaded with a lot of assumptions and notions regarding gender roles, mostly from the Jurassic era. Worse, it insists on trying to understand the dynamics of homosexual relationships through the heterosexual prism. As I said, it’s a load of crap.
With people who ask out of genuine curiosity, I appreciate their desire to know and understand. With people who want to know who’s wearing the trousers, I just ask in return, “So who earns more, you or Oprah?”
When it comes to sex, the traditional assumption (again, based on antiquated notions of gender roles) is that the top is aggressive-male while the bottom is passive-female. But even at pre-Basic Instinct Sharon Stone era, more and more women have been taking on a much aggressive role in and out of the bedroom. With gay men a top guy may not always be the aggressive one; a bottom can be just as in control. And wait ‘til you see what two versas can do as a couple; you may wonder what can happen if your wife or girlfriend straps on a dildo the next time you guys do the nasty.
Each partner’s role in a gay relationship is something that is mutually agreed upon (assuming they are individually mature enough). Two guys in a relationship can swap roles as much as a man today can wash dishes while his wife can change a flat tire.
So ‘Pre, the next time someone asks me that question, I’ll retort with another one: How can there be a woman in the relationship when both are men?
Yours truly,
McVie
*(Thank you to Harry V. for bringing up the topic.)
7 comments:
amen.
sa totoo lang hirap na hirap akong i-explain sa mga tao 'to. taht, or they're just having a hard time escaping the heteronormative paradigm.
Well said. *clap*clap*
This is one of the most complex things to explain to a straight individual, especially if they were raised with a rigid set of family standards about sexuality. I do hope that all straight guys will read this entry for enlightenment. :)
Except for two people (my in-laws) my trite reply to the question of "Who's the woman?" has been standard - "The one with the vagina."
@john paul gulitano - di naman sa nag-mama-asim po ako pero if a supposedly straight man were to actually expend effort to enlighten themselves with homo issues, I'd seriously doubt his stright-ness.c",)
Well said, McVie. :)
And to add: Not all sexual practices have that active-passive option. Sex is not limited to penetration or coitus. Frot, of course, does not involve any roles.
Normally, I don't distinguish people by their sexual tastes. Especially since raw sexuality, in itself, is rarely unwavering. Rather I sunder people by the depth of their heteronormative wounds.
AT Homeric -
Are you saying that "straights" shouldn't be enlightening themselves with homosexual issues? Attitudes like this divide us men.
I'm sorry, I just had to comment. Ignorance is one of progress' biggest enemies.
well said, and great ender
People should read this before asking "Are you top or bottom?". Nicely written, Mcvie, definitely a new take on how I "see" relationships now.
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