My Vagina Monologue

I always buy this mega-pack of toilet paper so I don’t have to keep on going back again and again to the grocery. I have latched on to this particular brand, and this particular pack size. When I went to the grocery today to buy that particular pack of that particular brand, I saw that there was a freebie attached to the supplies displayed on the shelf.

And that’s how I ended up with a 50ml bottle of pH Care Pure ‘n Fresh Intimate Wash, enriched with chamomile extract.

*Toink!*

(Funny that they should bundle something used to clean a woman’s front door entrance something used to clean her back exit. Hmmmm.)

So now I have a problem of what to do with that feminine wash. I could give it to my sister. I’ll just say, “Here, it’s a freebie from the grocery,” and she’ll take it without hesitation; she loves freebies. But she’s very particular with her brands. She’s the type who would rather go to the next mall to look for her particular brand rather than buy an alternative brand.

I could give it to my mom, but I wouldn’t know if a sixty-plus year old woman will still have need for a feminine wash. Does it get dry down there? I know she hasn’t used it since my dad passed away; heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve stopped doing the deed after my dad suffered a mild heart attack, and that was years before he suffered his second, and fatal, massive heart attack. I wonder how she would take it if I give her the bottle?

Me: “Mommy, here. I got this for free.”

Mom (looks at bottle for a full minute before looking up straight at me): “So are you telling me that I have a smelly vagina, anak?”

*Eeeep!*

Then again, there’s my aunt. But she’s several years older than my mom, and she’s a spinster. So damn! She must need lubrication down there, right? Or maybe it’s permanently closed.

Ugh, all this vaginal talk is making my skin crawl. Maybe I don’t need to give the feminine wash away. Maybe even a guy has use for a vaginal wash. Yes, we don’t need the “vaginal” part, just the “wash” part. After all, it is pH-balanced, so it must be gentle on the skin. I heard that, in a pinch, feminine wash can also double as skin moisturizer. That is, if you don’t mind your face smelling like a clean vagina.

Not that I know what a clean vagina smells like. But I’m guessing it smells of chamomile.

Mouthwash too?!