Watch Me Entertain Myself!

Sacha Guitry once said, "You can pretend to be serious, but you can't pretend to be witty." Oh yes, I'm the great pretender.
(pilot episode: 20 January 2004)

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Titanic Temptation

The M2M Titanic is docked on shore, waiting to shove off on its maiden voyage. Her special passengers include the finalists for the Miss Manila Sunshine Beauty Pageant. Passengers already on board are waving to the people on the dock, who also wave back. Suddenly two cars, horns honking, make their way through the crowd. The cars stop at the edge of the dock, and their passengers alight. There’s Rose (a Miss Manila Sunshine finalist), her mom Ruth, her fiance Cal, and his bodyguard Spicer.

ROSE:
(bored) Humph. I don’t see what’s so great about this ship.

CAL: 
(aghast) You can be blasé about a lot of things, Rose, but not the Titanic! It’s indestructible. They say even God Himself cannot sink it.

SPICER:
(under his breath) Rub-a-dub-dub! Two bitches in a tub.

They proceed to the plank to board the ship. Cal turns to Spicer.

CAL:
Sabihin mo kay Vicente na ihanda ang Mercedes na charcoal gray... dadalhin natin sa barko.

The charcoal gray Mercedes is hoisted onto the deck of the Titanic. Meanwhile on a bar at the pier, Jack and Fabrizio win a card game and tickets to the Titanic. They rush to the ship, which is already pulling out the planks. They plead to be let in, showing their tickets. Grudgingly the officer allow them inside. Jack turns to Fabrizio.

JACK:
Woo-hoooo! Late entrance, early exit! Yan ang dramatic!

Later that day, the M2M Titanic stops to allow Mrs. Molly Brown and her entourage to climb aboard the ship. The aristocratic mother of Rose is aghast at both the arrival of the noveau-riche American woman and the delay in the trip, and turns to address Mrs. Brown.

RUTH:
(with one raised eyebrow) Late comer? Sa gitna ng dagat? Eh, anong sinakyan mo... taxi?

Molly tries to ignore Ruth by walking away, but Ruth trips her.

MOLLY:
Bitch!

RUTH:
Darling, ‘di ko sinasadya. Hindi kita napansin.

MOLLY:
It must have been failing eyesight.

RUTH:
Really now, 20/20 yata ang vision ko.

MOLLY:
Sorry ha. I thought that was your bust line.

SPICER:
(under his breath, again) Rub-a-dub-dub! Two bitches in a tub.

During dinner, Rose has an epiphany. She can never be free from her life. It will always be an endless stream of cotillions and dinners and social gatherings and beauty contest Q&A’s. And all because her family has no more money. She turns to her mom.

ROSE:
Mommy, handa na ba ang wedding cake?

RUTH:
Handa na. Goldilocks na lang imbes na Costa Brava.

ROSE:
Hah? Eh ang gown?

RUTH:
Rajo imbes na Pitoy.

ROSE:
Ano?! Mama, bakit ganoon?!

RUTH:
(whispers) Hija, wala tayong budget....

ROSE:
Sus! Budget! Mommy naman, panay budget! Mas importante pa yata ang budget kesa birthday ko! Diyos ko, last year tatlong kombo tumugtog sa birthday ko, ngayon tape recorder na lang!

Rose runs out. She heads for the stern. Jack sees her climb onto the railing.

JACK:
Miss, I wouldn’t do that if I were you.

ROSE:
Get back! Get back, I say! Or I’ll jump!

JACK:
If you do, I have no choice. I’ll have to jump in with you. And that water’s freezing cold.

ROSE:
Sino ka ba?!

JACK:
Ako’y isang waiter lamang. High school lamang inabot ko. Pero ikaw, isa kang beauty queen.

Flattered, Rose allows Jack to pull her off the railing. Cal and bodyguard Spicer arrive with the ship’s crew.

CAL:
(points to Jack) Arrest that man!

ROSE:
He was just helping me! I... I was just... I was leaning over the edge and... I leaned too close... and he pulled me back.

CAL:
Oh really? Then I guess we owe him an apology... and an invitation to dinner. Young man, please do join us at our table tomorrow night.

Cal drags Rose away. As he passes by Spicer, he mutters.

CAL:
This should be interesting.

After Cal and Rose leave, Spicer walks slowly towards Jack. He looks him up and down.

SPICER:
Oh yes. You’re a stowaway. Oh, come on, I wasn’t born yesterday. All I have to do is look at your big brown eyes at nababasa ko na sa ‘yo ang nasa isip mo.

JACK:
Talaga?

SPICER: You see, I’m a crook... and a damn good crook! And I can tell another crook when I see one. Tulad mo! An exciting and adventurous young one.

JACK:
Well, I’m sure we’ll get along fine, tulad nga ng kasabihang birds of the same feathers flock together.

Jack raises an eyebrow at Spicer and leaves. At dinner the next night. Jack comes in wearing a tuxedo lent by Mrs. Brown. He is astounded at the lovely sight of Rose walking down the stairs. He takes her by her arm and leads her to the dining hall. As they proceed towards their table, Spicer moves within earshot of Jack.

SPICER:
(whispering to Jack) Mukha kang waiter sa suot mong yan. Once a waiter, always a waiter.

Spicer walks away. At the table, Rose sits beside Jack. Cal is flanked by Ruth and Molly Brown. Spicer is standing a few feet away. Molly is animatedly telling a story about she and her husband. Ruth decides to embarrass her.

RUTH:
Let’s face it! Kayo talagang mga noveau riche, mahilig mangolekta. Mahilig mangolekta ng records, mga antiques at ikaw mahilig mangolekta ng mga lalake. Poor, proletariat, indigent men.

MOLLY:
It’s simple, darling. I’m just trying to make up for the things that I didn’t have.

RUTH:
You’re trying to make up for the things that you never had.

MOLLY:
Bitch.

SPICER:
(not bothering to mutter) Rub-a-dub-dub! Two bitches in a tub.

RUTH:
(while looking at Molly) What are bitches for? But to bitch around with fellow bitches.

MOLLY:
Maraming klaseng puta. May big time. May small time. Pwes, big time ako!

RUTH:
Oo, big. Literally!

The next morning, Jack and Rose take a walk around the first class deck.

ROSE:
I want to thank you for saving me last night.

JACK:
I told you, I’m already involved. If you jump, then I jump.

ROSE:
(stops and faces Jack) Jack, you’re my friend, you’re a good friend. Iniligtas mo nga buhay ko eh. And I’m grateful for that. Ako rin kaibigan mo. That’s all you have to be responsible for. That’s all we both have to be responsible for. That’s all. Jack.

Ruth, her Countess friend, and Molly bump into Jack and Rose.

MOLLY:
Rose, why are you out here in the sun? You should stay inside.

RUTH:
Ahem! Rose begins her day with a healthy stroll, basking under the sun, like I do!

MOLLY:
Eh ba’t ka naka-hat?!

RUTH:
(ignoring Molly) As I was saying, this is a bright sunny day. A day in the light of the sun’s rays. This is how I begin my day. An hour of tender loving care in the eight o’clock sunshine! ‘Yan ang sikreto ng aking youthful complexion, parang nasa tabi lang tayo ng swimming pool.

MOLLY:
O baka naman na-sun stroke ka lang?

RUTH:
It’s Ms. Manila Sunshine, not Ms. Manila Sun Stroke!

JACK:
(whispers to Rose) Wanna practice your long-distance spitting on your mom?

Later that night Jack takes Rose to go partying at the lower decks. The poor, proletariat indigents are singing and dancing vigorously. Rose is fascinated by all the Irish tunes and dances.

JACK:
Rose, maybe we should have dinner first.

ROSE:
Naku, malamang tapos na ang dinner.

JACK:
Paano ngayon yan, Rose?

ROSE:
Walang tubig, walang pagkain. Eh ‘di magsayaw na lang tayo!

They dance. Afterwards, Jack and Rose have sex inside the charcoal gray Mercedes. They fall asleep. Suddenly Rose wakes up because of a gigantic shudder. The M2M Titanic has hit an iceberg. She wakes up Jack.

ROSE:
Kukuruku! Umaga na! Good morning! What did I have for breakfast? Eggs jack benedict!

Jack and Rose find out about the iceberg, and that the ship will sink. They run back to Rose’s cabin. But at the instructions of Cal, Spicer sets up Jack to be falsely accused of stealing the Heart Of The Ocean, a blue diamond set on a necklace. Jack is arrested and handcuffed in a cabin way below deck. As the Titanic sinks, Jack is left alone to drown. Rose runs down to the lower decks and finds him still handcuffed.

JACK:
Rose, quickly! You got to get me out of here!


ROSE:
But I can’t find the key! There must be something else we can use to get you out of those cuffs!

JACK:
I know! Take off your panties and tie them to the cuffs. Maybe we can pull the cuffs off!

ROSE:
Shut up! Mag-alis ka ng panty kung gusto mo, but my panty stays right where it is!

Rose gets an axe instead and frees Jack. They rush upstairs to the deck. They bump into Fabrizio.

JACK:
Fabrizio! Where have you been? I’ve not seen you since our first scene!

FABRIZIO:
Brod, nagmamadali ako eh!

JACK:
Brod? Ganyan ka naman eh. Paminsan-minsan lumilitaw ka, pagkatapos bigla-biglang nawawala, pagkatapos lumilitaw na naman. Are you trying to put me on?!

They run towards the lifeboats. Suddenly the door opens and out comes the ship’s string quartet.

1st VIOLINIST:
Puro tubig, walang lifeboat. Eh ‘di tumugtog na lang tayo!

They start playing, “Rock The Boat” by The Hues Corporation. Jack, Rose, and Fabrizio stop to listen.

FABRIZIO:
Walang lifeboat, walang lifevests. Eh ‘di sumayaw na lang tayo!

The three start to dance to the disco beat. Suddenly gunshots are heard. Cal is firing at them! They run.

ROSE:
(screaming) Cal! Cal! Don’t! Mahaba-haba pa ang pelikulang ito! Mukhang tatagal pa tayo sa barkong ‘to, tatagal pa! Habang-buhay pa, so please, alang-alang kay Jack, alang-alang sa ‘ting lahat, let’s all be friends!

CAL:
If you choose him, you can all go to hell! Even your mother!

ROSE:
Leave my mother out of this!

CAL:
Palibhasa mga magulang mo taga-bundok! Kaya walang laman ‘yang utak mo kundi kamoteng kahoy!

ROSE:
‘Wag niyo naman ho sila idamay dito.

CAL:
Shit silang lahat! Pati ninuno mo... shit!

They run around the deck. They pass by the string quartet again, which by this time is playing, “Sit Down, Sit Down, You’re Rocking The Boat.” Suddenly one of the four gigantic stacks falls on Jack, Rose, Fabrizio, and Cal, killing all of them instantly.

The string quartet starts playing, “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion.

End credits roll.

* * * * *

(And credit goes to Dalumat and friends for suggesting this mash-up of Temptation Island and Titanic after watching the latter in 3D. The spoofs will go on and on....)

5 comments:

artistmonk said...

HAHAHAHA! ito ang panalo!!! Laveht!!! =))

Tony said...

Hahaha! Winner!

closet case said...

Inspired!!

citybuoy said...

ow-em-ef-gee. i'm printing this out. now na! everyone should keep a copy in their wallets in case they need a good laugh.

Sherwin Muega said...

hahahhaa. kulet! it kinda reminded me of bob ong's newest book. parang ganito din siya. super like!