Watch Me Entertain Myself!

Sacha Guitry once said, "You can pretend to be serious, but you can't pretend to be witty." Oh yes, I'm the great pretender.
(pilot episode: 20 January 2004)

Monday, November 08, 2010

The Fickleness Of Feelings

For several years now, I have never felt that which most people call kilig (I did before, but not recently). I tried looking for a direct English translation, and the most that people could give me is “heart a-flutter.” I must admit I have experienced something close to it, but ask me to describe the feeling and I can come up with two, either being “lighthearted” as well as “my heart is full.” Opposite images, right? Still, that’s how I feel.

I guess there are varying intensities of kilig, and age eventually blunts even the sharpest of emotions. If I often don’t show sudden gushes of emotion, it’s my fault that I’ve learned how to be like that. And I am sorry. I had to deal with rejection time and again in the past, and each time it hurt like hell. I couldn’t control rejection, but I could control the hurt. So I learned not to cry out loud; eventually, I learned to always anticipate the other shoe dropping.

So for years I’ve taught myself to develop a sense of detachment from the fickleness of feelings. At first my mistake was to avoid feeling emotions at all; that was unhealthy. Then I realized that I should learn how to feel emotions without being carried away by them. Be still my beating heart, because my mind’s in charge.

(In fact, one reason why I have a hard time with acting out emotional scenes is that for the longest time I’ve learned to detach myself from my emotions. I’m now re-learning how to be in touch with them again—in case I want to act.)

I may not be kilig, but rest assured I can and do appreciate sweet gestures, and I am more than grateful for any kindness and generosity thrown my way. In fact, so I’m easy to please that I make it easy for everyone. I don’t need you to impress me; it’s so easy for you to touch me. Just the sight of you looking at me with complete trust is enough for my heart to feel light and full at the same time.

So please forgive me if I don’t get tickled pink at stories of grand gestures. Tickle is fickle; I much rather do gestures.


Fickle Cattle said...

I don't get kilig often actually, and I'm a romantic. Is that weird?

citybuoy said...

wow mcvie. i've been trying to write this down for weeks now and you were able to do so with effortlessly. you really are one of the most prolific people i know.

and from the looks of things, as long as the ground rules are set, you have a bright future ahead. :)

Kiks said...

i like being light and full at the same time. And I like the last sentence of the second to the last paragraph.


rudeboy said...

Because of my shameful past as an ex-Catholic choirboy, I must confess that I have experienced kilig.

I think "giddiness" is the closest English translation I can think of.

I haven't felt kilig in a long, long time. Which is a good thing, methinks, because it's usually followed by trouble.

Anyhow - love the piece, Joel. As usual, you distill thoughts so succinctly yet so beautifully.

Peter said...

A quandary often faced by those invoved in intellectual pursuits. Wonder what drove you to writing this. Have a light-hearted day.

Anonymous said...

all i need is a cuddle and i get kilig. :)

skeezzix said...

Mcvie, when Migs posted in his blog an entry where he printed his facebook chat with a guy (a rejoinder to his series of write ups on making the u-turn), I said that unfortunately, I did not get kilig with it. What followed next were a barrage of responses from other readers automatically labeling me or my kind as the ampalayang froglets or the nagbibiter biteran.

So I asked myself then, bakit ganun, eh sa totoo naman na di ako kinilig pero di rin ako nagbibiter biteran. So why the knee jerk reactions of others too? Oh well, I guess when one reaches a certain age, couple that with real lessons learned along the way, it's not that you have already become so callous that you already forgot what it feels to be giddy. You just know when to see the real colors behind the shades.

this side of maria said...

awwwww the belly shows itself at last.....awwwww.....tickle tickle tickle.....because this shit is pork humba! (love you J) :p