I’m Mister Lonely

In one Fabcast we recorded two months ago (pramis, that one will be released very, very soon), all of us Fabcasters were single at that time, and so the topic was on singlehood. There was this one particular exchange that caught my attention while I was editing the Fabcast.

Someone asked what one could do to prevent being lonely when one is single. My answer was to learn to be friends with one’s self and to keep myself busy.

Migs decided to challenge that answer to deepen the discussion. He asked, “But isn’t that just a distraction? In the end you’re still sorry old farts.”

My reply was, if I didn’t consider myself a sorry old fart for being able to be friends with myself, then it’s not a problem for me.

Corporate Closet’s answer to the question was different. He said that being single doesn’t prevent someone from going and still loving. He cited the example of volunteerism, especially in Church. Migs particularly liked how CC framed the answer, that it’s to “find something meaningful to you and that’s how you share yourself to others.”

Then Tony threw the question back at them: “But what do you think about people saying that’s just a diversion?”

CC’s answer was similar to my defense. If he’s happy volunteering and doing what’s meaningful to him, then he doesn’t have a problem with it.

* * * * *

While editing that particular Fabcast, I found myself thinking back again and again to that particular exchange. And I realized we were approaching the problem from two different directions.

As most of us know, loneliness is different from being alone. Loneliness is defined as “dejected by the awareness of being alone” (www.thefreedictionary.com) or “a feeling of depression resulting from being alone” (www.answers.com). Of course, “alone” here is not limited to being physically solitary; one can also be “alone in a crowded room.”

So to address loneliness, the logical solution is to find a way to convert “being alone” (which is an isolation from others) to “being with others,” or better yet, “being with the Other” (wherein “Other” with a capital “O” is either someone significant or some Higher Being). Makes sense, right?

But is that the only way?

My approach comes from another angle. One cannot totally control the state of being alone (for example, one may be stranded on a deserted island alone, and not of your own volition). But one has control over one’s feelings. So why not address that which is totally within our capability to control? Instead of being depressed or dejected when one is alone, work instead to turn that around and instead discover the joys of being alone.

Better yet, find the solution within oneself and not depend on others. You see, one has no control over others, but one has control over oneself. Of course, we’re human, and we’re entitled to our feelings, including occasional bouts of loneliness. But if one masters oneself, then one can avoid being paralyzed by loneliness even if one is alone.

Listening once again to our discussion, I realized that indeed, volunteerism is even more of the distraction, nay, a diversion, because there one just substituted the (significant) “Other” with “otherS.” You can’t love one person? Then love many.

My problem with that is, well, I did precisely that. I poured my attention to others, to my family and friends. And now I am close to my family, and I have great friends. But it still didn’t change the fact that I was single. And that feeling gnawing inside of me remained because that distraction did not address what was basically an internal issue.

So I asked myself: What’s wrong with learning to love oneself first? What’s wrong with learning to live with oneself first? After all, even if our significant other is holding our hand tightly while we lay in our deathbed, the moment Death comes, you face him alone. Our longest relationship is with ourselves; the more meaningful we make it, the more fruitful our longest relationship will be.

And the greatest irony of it all? By being at peace with oneself, one is able to give more to others, because that is genuine altruism and not just a smokescreen to distract from the loneliness.

In someone else’s blog entry on love stories, the author wrote: For those looking for someone who’ll make them smile. I commented: I believe we must all learn how to make ourselves smile. Then it becomes easier for us to make others smile.

Learn to be lonely,
Learn how to live Life that is lived alone.
Learn to be lonely,
Life can be lived, Life can be loved alone.