Watch Me Entertain Myself!

Sacha Guitry once said, "You can pretend to be serious, but you can't pretend to be witty." Oh yes, I'm the great pretender.
(pilot episode: 20 January 2004)

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

My Big Love

Dear G,

It’s been a while since we last kept touch.

You remain the biggest love of my life because you were, what, 5’8”? And mind you, that was in first-year college. Yes, I remember seeing you, your best friend R and your mestiza girlfriend during the orientation seminars. I had the biggest crush on you. Imagine to my delight to see you in my homeroom class for first year—without your friend and girlfriend.

It wasn’t your height that overwhelmed me. It was your handsome mestizo looks, your adorable, pinch-worthy cheeks, your distinct scent that combined sweet masculine musk with the fresh clean scent of whatever brand of deodorant you favored at that time. Your eyes crinkled on the side as you smiled, your thin lips pulling back as you reveal your pearly whites. And you weren’t afraid to throw your head back and just give a full-throttled laugh. I found it easy to make you laugh. I wanted to hear you always laughing and happy.

When you told me you broke up with your girlfriend, I was sad for you and excited for me. I was with you every step of college. I became your new best friend; I even managed to ease out R, your constant companion since grade school, and I took his place alongside you day after day. We were always together, from the joys of English class to the torture of Theology. Because you still spoke some Spanish at home with your aunts, you helped me get through Spanish 1-4; in return, I made you understand the parts of Philosophy that I understood. We were inseparable.

And I was deathly afraid to tell you how much I loved you.

It was fourth year, and we agreed to be thesis-mates. It was possibly our last year together. I couldn’t let go of that romantic wish, that maybe, just maybe, with everything that I’ve done for you—all the accompanying you to wherever you wanted to go, all the help I extended to you whenever you were in need, even sacrificing my own happiness just to help you try to win your girlfriend back (you failed, I was happy) or woo a new one (you succeeded, I was miserable)—all that effort and love didn’t escape your notice. That was all for you, G. I had to tell you.

I don’t even remember how or when. All I remember is you quietly looking down on the floor. You telling me you cannot love me back that way. You assuring me that our friendship will not change.

Well it did. And what did you do? You said you wouldn’t change, but you kept your distance. I was baffled, then hurt, then vengeful. I wanted to hit back where it hurt the most. Our thesis became out battleground.

By the time second semester of fourth year came, I had enough common sense to put my hurt pride aside and do what was necessary to put our thesis back on track. But even then, we almost didn’t get to march that March. I vowed then that it would be the last time I let a guy jeopardize my responsibilities.

But our story didn’t end in graduation, did it G? When I was working in CCP, you applied there too after your stint at a TV station didn’t pan out. Then when I transferred to Radyo Veritas, you also asked me if there was a position for you, and we took you in. Now it was you following me. And for a while, the old feelings came back again. But this time I knew better; this time I was the one who backed off.

When I went into advertising, you moved back to media. That was when we were able to stand on our own, away from one another. You moved even farther away, migrating to the U.S. with your wife and kids. I thought time and distance would allow us to be good friends again, almost like before. When you added me in Facebook and followed me on Twitter, I welcomed it.

Until one day I tweeted something overtly gay, and you tweeted that you were unfollowing me because my tweets were TMI (too much information).


I stopped following you after college, G; unfollowing you yet again was the easiest thing to do. Because I realized it’s so easy for me to walk away from anyone—gay or straight—who couldn’t take me for who I am.

It was several years ago that I deleted you from my life. After this temporary trip down undelete lane, it’s back to limbo again for you. I hope you are doing well, G.



Aris said...

muling pag-alala sa first love. masakit na masarap. i can so relate. :)

mysuperalterego said...

I had a classmate too and I had a crush on him, but he didn't like gays so I just set aside my feelings for him. I also deleted him in my facebook account. Hehe:)

joelmcvie said...

@ARIS: Ay paumanhin friend, but he was not my first. =)

rudeboy said...

Ooooooooooooooooh, Joel.

Ooooooooooooh. Ooooooh. Oooooh.

Tony said...

panalo! I love this entry!

Kiks said...

man, thou art pain.

straight man, thou art, thou art... hmph.

as you were saying, mcvie...

Anonymous said...

masarap na relief ang pindutin ang delete button to erase something (someone) without having to shut the computer down...

Guyrony said...

Oh how much admiration I have for you when it comes to detachment, Joel.

So much.

How you do it still perplexes me but it is something I truly look up.

Oh well, goodbye G and hello D!


Rafael said...

there is this fairy tale romantic notion instilled in our minds when we watch movies and read love stories when the guy gets the girl or the girl gets the guy that one day it will possibly happen to us.

the guy or the girl will do everything until the object of affection will finally notice and love them back and happy ending follows. Snap!

rejection hurts. "hoping" makes things worse because you will just let it linger - the pain, the suffering and sometimes humiliation.

i say move on and love again until that someone loves you back =)



callboi said...

Hi Mcvie, if I may ask, where you offended by his telling you that he was unfollowing you because of your TMI tweet? No hard feelings talaga?

- bookie -

joelmcvie said...

@RUDEBOY: Oooooooooh! Your reaction is most intriguing.

@CALLBOI: Of course I was offended! But I let a few days pass before I decided to unfollow/unfriend him. Detachment doesn't mean being emotionless.

Mike said...

i remember this story, the once you told me when we we're in Cebu i think. :)

joelmcvie said...

@MIKE: Yup, that's the story.

toffer said...


Mac Callister said...

hayy,may ganyan ganyan din ako nun friend na nagkagusto ako,andami palang kaparehong sitwasyon haha

Thad said...

Bravo! :-) ang haba ng hair ni Mcvie, good for you!

palma tayona said...

the moment you revealed to him your feelings years ago, he has already 'unaccepted' you as a gay person, ergo, the friendship already languished. and yet, the irony of it is he did keep on, as you say, following you - to keep on being near to you who he was incapable of accepting wholly.

so many of us do that. we all try to cling on to some shred of 'possibilities' even if it is of the tiniest bit. we find it hard to see some things for what they really are: unacceptably incompatible with our basic beliefs and values. apparently, you were unacceptably incompatible to him and he in turn gave you a lie all these years. that 'tweeting' revealed the lie for what it really was, after such a long time.

sana, the wisest thing he could have done back then was give it distance. let your wounds and his wounds heal. and when the right time comes, then perhaps real friendship could have blossomed.

aie... to err is indeed human but to really love for all its faults and frailties is ultimately divine.


icarusboytoy said...

i wonder what would be the better thing to do- telling you that he'll unfollow you or just unfollowing you- i doubt you'll even notice the latter.

joelmcvie said...

@ICARUSBOYTOY: Unfortunately for him I have Qwitter, which notifies me whenever someone unfollows me on Twitter, hahaha. But even then, I would have respected that more because he did it quietly.

What got my goat was that he tweeted about it pa. He could have done it quietly na lang; or, he could have explained to me why he had to unfollow me via direct message.

Anonymous said...

ikaw na ang ~strong~ woman! :-)

icarusboytoy said...

whaaaaat??? kapal ng mukha niya! the nerd (nerve)!!!

efrenefren said...

sana tinikman mo muna. :)

Rei Mikazuki said...

OMFG. This is so me. From everything to everything -- especially about the thesis! For some reason, I can see a part of me in you that I can really relate.

Good thing I read back to this entry of yours, it made me recall a few things. :)

mic said...

I had a similar experience. I came out to him during my 17th birthday. He told me we'd still be friends. Like you he kept his distance after my confession. Our friendship wasn't the same after. But it was ok. I managed and soon forgot. I bumped into him a couple of weeks ago. He still had the same cute smile and beady eyes but the feeling wasn't there anymore. I guess we need people like G to learn about what it means to move on and appreciate those moments that made our hearts soar for the first time.