Of Apples And Oranges

Nope, this is not about the late Steve Job’s company, or his death.

In a recent Fabcast recording (to be posted soon!), a topic was raised during our discussion. It was about the de-coupling of sex from relationships. What is this “de-coupling”?

Thanks to our Catholic background, we were taught early on that sex should only happen in the context of one particular kind of relationship--marriage, or in the Church’s strict definition, a heterosexual union between man and woman. Now this is where the coupling of sex and relationship happens: Sex should be done only within a context of a loving (and an officially recognized) relationship. And to further cement this coupling, sex outside of marriage was declared a sin, while the myth of “sex is better when you do it with someone you love” was perpetuated.

So the de-coupling of sex and relationship simply means this: That the value of sex is not inextricably linked to a relationship. Sex can be valid (and even be of value) even when it’s done outside of a loving and officially recognized relationship.

Anyone who’s been a follower of The McVie Show knows that I do not see sex outside of marriage a sin, so that’s all I will say about that. So then let’s go back to the myth of “sex is better when you do it with someone you love.” Myth, you ask? For me, it is. I have had sex with someone I love, someone I like, someone I lust after, and someone I was first ambivalent at the start; yes, I have had sex with a variety of guys for various reasons in different circumstances and occasions. And the following are what I have learned and realized through the years.

The value of sex is affected by the person you’re having sex with. We ascribe more value and meaning to an activity because of the person we’re with during that activity. For example, a mundane morning walk feels extra special because it is done with a loved one. Notice how we describe it: “The walk became extra special because you were with me.”

However, it speaks more about your loved one than on the act itself. The walk remains a walk; it remains the same number of steps, you see the same sights, hear the same birds chirping and feel the same wind blowing had you been walking alone or with, say, a casual friend.

Because sex is an activity done with a partner (let’s leave solo masturbation and orgies or anything above threesomes out of this first), it becomes more difficult to distinguish the value of sex from the relationship you have with your sexual partner. But after having sex with numerous partners, of known but mostly anonymous identities, in bathhouses, saunas, massage parlors and even dark public places, I began to appreciate the value of sex in and of itself. I think the de-coupling happened naturally; after all, I never had a chance to have sex with someone I love, just always with a hook-up for the night.

And then I met D. After experiencing sex with someone I love, I can safely say that, yes, there is a difference, and the difference is D.

Which brings me to my second learning. Comparing sex with different people, given the different levels of relationships with them, is unfair; it’s apples versus oranges.

So in the end you go back to asking yourself: What is my motivation for having sex? How do I look at sex, and what value do I attach to it? If you believe that sex should happen only in the context of a monogamous relationship, then good for you. But don’t be surprised when it seems that every Tom around you seems to be getting it on with the Dicks and Harrys of this world.

I personally believe that sex can be enjoyed in and of itself, especially if it’s between two consenting mature adults. Let’s face it, Nature (or God, if you want to be religious about it) made sex so enjoyable; in fact, in certain cultures the orgasm is akin to reaching Nirvana.

But however you choose to view sex, let’s respect each other’s choices. After all, it’s apples and oranges; some prefer apples, others oranges. And then there are those who’d rather have fruit salad.

Hey, it’s never too late to change one’s view of things.