What Have I Done To Deserve This?

“I could leave you, say goodbye
Or I could love you, if I try
And I could
And left to my own devices, I probably would.”

In my younger years I would have, regardless if I were left to my own devices or not. Most likely, I’ll even device a way. But years of disappointment and unreturned affections have made me wary.

“I don’t wanna feel this pain no more (wanna lose touch)
I just wanna go and lock the door.
I don’t wanna think,
I don’t wanna feel nothing.
I wanna be numb.”

And for most of the time I find a way to forget. Before my means of escape has always been books, music and especially the movies. I learned early on the joys of watching movies alone in the theaters.

“Meanwhile your life is still directed as a drama,
With realism on the sparsest of sets.
Every performance tends to reach the same conclusion:
No happy endings, but a message to depress.”

Pretty soon I also found out the other joys—and thrills—that come with watching movies alone. Sex soon was added to my list of escapes. But despite all those distractions, sometimes someone comes in and reminds me.

“When loneliness induces fear,
like waves against a ramshackle pier,
When thunder and rain
scar the windowpane—
once again,
I want you near.
As long as I hear your
footsteps in the dark,
that’s all I need.

Footsteps in the dark,
Only love will break your heart.
Footsteps, footsteps.”

Now I’m a lot older. Weekdays are easy—often I distract myself with work. Weekends the bathhouse beckons. And my family is the best distraction and love affair I have at this moment.

But sometimes I slip in some Pet Shop Boys in my playlist, and I’m reminded again.

“It seems to me there’s something serious beginning,
A new approach found to the meaning of life.
Deny that happiness is open as an option
And disappointment disappears over night.

Say that love is an impossible dream—
Face the facts, that’s what it’s always been.
Relax, what you see is what you’ve seen,
What you get, is a new philosophy:

Miserablism—is is and isn’t isn’t.

But if is wasn’t, and isn't were—
You can’t be sure, but you might find ecstasy.
Oh no!”

* * * * *

(Pop quiz, hotshot: Can you name the titles of all the PSB songs used in this episode?)