Think Positive

He was a former blogger I used to follow. We met a total of around 3 or 4 times only, usually in a big group. He was relatively sociable, though his schedule didn’t permit him to go out as often as we could invite him. He wasn’t the most prolific of bloggers; on an average he’d post one or two entries a week. But after one long stretch of him not blogging, I forgot about his blog.

It was around 12:03am last Tuesday night when I received his call, out of the blue. It took him a few minutes of small talk before he asked me if I knew of any support groups for people with HIV.

Oh my god. It didn’t take a genius to put two and two together.

He had killed his blog the moment he found out he was positive last December. In March of this year he took a second test that confirmed his status. There were several months of drama in the home front; he is from a conservative family. He actually left home, but came back after a while. Now there is relative peace; his mom avoids talking about it.

We spent almost an hour on the phone. It started out with me being nonchalant about his HIV status; really now, what’s the use of gnashing my teeth? But as we discussed his need for a support group, I couldn’t help but probe deeper. (I guess that’s why it seems so natural that we would become the Fabcasters; we naturally have an inquisitive nature that likes to dissect and delve deeper into things.) And the more I probed, the more I found myself raising my voice at him. He wasn’t exactly dipped in negativity, but it’s as if he was always questioning himself. It didn’t help that at times he would contradict himself.

Inside my head a mental red light flashed a warning: Watch it, McVie; shouldn’t you be more empathetic or sympathetic than analytical at this point? Yet a part of my mind was being stubborn: But it’s been more than six months since he first confirmed the bad news; he should be past the fragile initial state by now.

Before I could change my tone, he said, “I hate you, McVie! It’s a good thing you’re talking to me like a mom. Eh kung magbobolahan lang tayo dito, eh di wala rin akong mapapala.”

He asked me if I could help him; I countered by telling him that I suspect a big part of his problem is that he doesn’t take responsibility for his actions. He thinks his positive status is a punishment for his desires; I told him not to make God or Fate responsible for his illness. In the end he asked if I could also help him look for a support group; I told him, God helps those who helped themselves. He promised me he would also try his contacts at RITM.

Thus his request here in MGG.

Before we put the phone down, I told him the irony of it all: he should think positive now that he’s positive.