Watch Me Entertain Myself!

Sacha Guitry once said, "You can pretend to be serious, but you can't pretend to be witty." Oh yes, I'm the great pretender.
(pilot episode: 20 January 2004)

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Four Down, One To Go

I wanted to hug him but the guards were there in front of my car, looking at us.

* * * * *

It was time for me to tell him. Do not prolong the agony. So even though it was nearly 10pm, I dropped by his place.

I had to wait for 10 minutes in the car while he showered and changed, so I reclined my seat and napped. His gentle tapping on the passenger window woke me up. I unlocked the doors and he greeted me with a cheerful, “Uuuuy! He’s sleepy already.”

He was singing songs to me in the car. At a nearby restaurant he teased me, “You look hot.”

I told him I liked him but like was not enough. I told him I enjoyed his company but didn’t miss him when we were apart. I would text him because that was what I’m supposed to do, although lately at times that was what I wanted to do. A friend asked me: do I want to take it to the next level? Without hesitating I said no.

He had stopped singing and was looking down. When he raised his head up to talk to me, his eyes were shiny.

“Is it something to do with the fact that I asked you to lend me some money?” he asked. He couldn’t look me in the eye.

“No,” I answered, “but that helped crystallize what I’ve been pondering on for several days now.”

I tried to explain as much as I can. I didn’t do so well. I even said the “It’s not you, it’s me” line. Ewww.

* * * * *

For the first time I found out that he called me Mr. Vitara to his friends. Strangely that broke my heart.

* * * * *

He tried to be cheerful. He started singing songs again. “Weekend In New England.” “First of May.” “Someone That I Used To Love.” He’s got a jukebox in his head—just like me. And he’s got a wicked sense of humor—just like me. So why do I just “like” him and not “love” him?

* * * * *

Driving back to his place I wanted to hold his hand. He had retreated to his own world, listening to his iPod and singing silently to himself. As his building loomed nearer I pulled his hand into mine; he didn’t reciprocate nor resist.

* * * * *

I parked my car in front of his building. The guards were standing by the road and looked at us. He turned to me. “I want to hug you but the guards are there,” he said. “So good night na. Take care.” I wanted to say something but didn’t know what. “Good night na,” he repeated.

“Good night,” I said.

And he left.

* * * * *

Driving away, I started groping for my iPod in my car. I was seized by a nasty thought: I wonder how much he can sell my iPod in Greenhills? But then I found it.

I drove home to the tune of Erasure:
“I don’t wanna look
Like some kind of fool
I don’t wanna break
My heart over you
I’m building a wall
Everyday it’s getting higher
This time I won’t end up
Another victim of love.”

16 comments:

migs, the manila gay guy said...

Honesty is the best policy. Bow.

Mabuhay ka!

powerbottom.ph said...

Bad Mcvie!!!!

you broke his heart na tapos pinag-isipan mo pang kinuha yung ipod mo hmp!

*sigh* letting go is never a happy story. sure, sure, there are lessons to it and some people would say its better to do it or that there's a sublime happiness in being able to go through it, blah, blah, blah, but for the one who is being let go, it's never easy, never good...and the worst part, you're alone to face it, nyeta! iniwan ka na nga, ipinagduduldulan pa na ikaw na lang mag-isa to handle the emotional turmoil...sigh....(masyado yata ako naka-relate, hahaha)

in any case, i hope that he (insert life lesson here) and that you (insert life lesson here).


**y'know what goes great after a semi-break-up? a nice, juicy, meaty "Cheese Burger" hehehehe

Tony said...

Doh....something is definitely wrong if his nickname for you is your ride.

joelmcvie said...

POWERBOTTOM: "and the worst part, you're alone to face it"

He's not the only one who's alone. I too am alone to face whatever confusion and turmoil I'm feeling right now. It's not as if I dumped him for someone else; there is NO "someone else."

TONY: Hindi naman ganoon. "Mr. Vitara" was just his coded term of endearment. Marami kasi siyang straight male friends na kabarkada; they don't want him discussing his dates with them. So whenever he'd discuss things with his female friends, they'd use codes.

Pao Pielago said...

masyado nang umaasim ang mga tao! inuman na! :)

powerbottom.ph said...

well, yeah...but dumpers get to be alone by choice, dumpees are alone because the ones they wanted to be with didnt think they were worthy.

pasensya ka na, masyado lang ako nakaka-relate plus the fact that in tragedies like this, i prefer to be the dumpee ANY day.

**what's with everybody, parang andaming nag-e-emo-trip? including me...

joelmcvie said...

PAO: Koerk ka jan! Inuman lang ang katapat, hahaha.

POWERBOTTOM: Point taken. :-)

John Halcyon von Rothschild said...

At least you were honest. It's better to do it now than to string the guy along. Your post just got me sad. Good thing I'm going to my facialist and then do some shopping. *Sigh* I wish I had a guy to carry my bags while I shop...

Marcus: Bading Down Under said...

Congratulations on taking the high road - it's a tough ride, but it's all worth it. Good luck, McV. I hope things turn out alright with you.

daniel palma tayona said...

...and i quote a gay friend who just dumped his 20-year old lover, "bakit ganun? ang attractive-ness level ng mga bading eh equally proportional sa ganda ng fez niya or sa minamaneho niyang kotse."

he's 45 years old and we were in the a doctor's lobby waiting for the secretary of his dermatologist to usher him in. he was fidgety and i was munching on my second bag of roasted peanuts.

yun lang. :-)

joelmcvie said...

DANIEL: And there's a contradictory axiom for straights: The beauty of the driver is inversely proportional to the beauty of his car. Maybe that explains why ang gaganda ng mga kotse ng mga DOMs.

daniel palma tayona said...

ahem... i have a corollary theory for that inverse proportionality of straight drivers with their cars and i call it "the theory of compensation". ugly drivers (with money) compensate with nice, expensive sedans. short guys (with money) compensate with gas guzzling suv's. and guys with small "pututuys" (with money) compensate with huge shiny pick-ups.

have you ever wondered why guys (without money) who drive beetles or hand-me-down vehicles from their parents or next-door neighbor are usually quiet?

just a thought.
:-)

gibbs cadiz said...

baka naman kasi ang kinakanta niya barry manilow? ayy! *ilag kunwari.* :)

joelmcvie said...

DANIEL: Guys (without money) who drive Beetles or hand-me-down vehicles from their parents or next-door neighbor are usually quiet because ang hirap kaya makaporma sa lumang sasakyan, noh?! Hahaha!

GIBBS: In furnace to Lola Barry, "Weekend In New England" is one of my favorite Manilow songs of all time. Pumapangalawa lang siya sa "Copacabana", mwhahahahaha!

closet case said...

huli na ako mag-comment. pero try ko pa rin.
1) ang haba ng hair mo, mcvie!
2) you can never regret being honest about what you feel. its worse to settle for something or someone. you were also doing him a favor, actually. reminds me of my post 'when good enough is not good enough'. btw, that guy still professes love (oh di ba, haba rin ng hair ko?)
3) i dont apologize for whatever 'accessories' i have that boys and men find attractive (the car, the gadgets). as long as i know that stripped of these, i still have enough character to make me attractive!

cant_u_read said...

haaaaaaaay!! yun lang ang masasabi ko... haaaaaaaaaaaay!!