Watch Me Entertain Myself!

Sacha Guitry once said, "You can pretend to be serious, but you can't pretend to be witty." Oh yes, I'm the great pretender.
(pilot episode: 20 January 2004)

Sunday, April 06, 2008

The G-Detector Test

I met up with Cee and Dee last night at the mall. We entered this sports store, looking for a particular brand of footwear for Cee; upon entering, we immediately split up to cover more areas faster. I was so focused on searching for that brand (it’s not widely distributed here) that it took several minutes before I recognized what was playing full blast on the store’s PA system:

* * * * *

I’ve been warning you for months to clean up your act.
You’ve be late, you’ve been mean, giving all kinds of bullshit flack.

That’s a lie! That’s a lie! It’s just I haven’t been feeling that well.

* * * * *

It dawned on me: “Good lord, it’s the soundtrack of Dreamgirls!”

I rushed to look for Cee and Dee. Suddenly I found them both in one section of the store, as if we converged on purpose. Dee was even mouthing the words of the song. All three of us had the same expression of recognition on our faces: They’re playing “It’s All Over” in, of all places, a sports store! We all laughed out loud at the incongruity.

* * * * *

Stay out of this, Lorrell! This is between Deena and me.

Yeah? Well, it’s between me too.
I’m as much a part of this group as anybody else and I’m tired.
Effie, I’m tired of all the problems you’re making us.

* * * * *

“Naku, hindi bakla yung nag-play nito! Straight na straight!” I declared.

“At hindi lang basta-basta kung anong kanta sa soundtrack, yung argument scene pa!” laughed Cee.

I theorized that they played that song on purpose just to detect who among the customers are gay. Had they played “Listen” or “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going”, some straight guys may be familiar with them because those songs are popular enough. But the diva-tastic duel between Jennifer Hudson versus Beyonce Knowles, Jaime Foxx, Anika Nonie Rose and the rest? Only true gay fans would be familiar with the song—or even have the lyrics memorized!

It’s a form of Gay Detector Test. If upon reading the italicized lines from the lyrics above you were able to identify which song it was before reading my next paragraph, you’re gay.

Of course, any test involving song lyrics should take in to consideration the era in which the song became popular—the older the song, the more likely you’ll just detect old gay folks. The young gay set will most likely be oblivious to the songs of such older gay icons like Judy Garland, Liza Minelli, Cher in her prehistoric pre-“Believe” days (but she still looks the same then and now), and even—gasp!—Madonna in her “Burning Up” days.

Wonder just how gay (or maybe how old) you are? See if you can identify the title and performers of the songs from the following lyrics:

[1] Work, turn to the left
Work, now turn to the right
Work, sashay shante!

[2] Meeting Mr. Right, the man of my dreams,
The one who shows me true love (or at least it seems).
With brown cocoa skin and curly black hair,
It’s just the way he looks at me, that gentle loving stare.

[3] So when the night falls
My lonely heart calls

[4] God bless Mother Nature, she’s a single woman too.
She took off to heaven and she did what she had to do.

[5] You can dance, you can jive,
Having the time of your life!

[6] It’s one life and there’s no return and no deposit.
One life, so it’s time to open up your closet!

[7] Some day I’ll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me.

[8] But after all is said and done,
You’re going to be the lonely one, oh!

[9] I should have changed my stupid lock,
I should have made you leave your key.

[10] I’m coming out!
I want the world to know,
Got to let it show.


[11] Smiling, dancing, everything is free—
All you need is positivity!

[12] ‘Cause if you run your mouth and brag
about this secret rendezvous—
I will hunt you down.

*(NOTE: This G-Detector Test is inaccurate, inconclusive, and in the spirit of fun.)


Mugen said...

Waah #1 #4 and #10 lang ang alam ko. If I never went to mister piggys before, I would never hear these songs.

gbic said...

3 out of 10. and didn't get the bonus, either. does that mean i'm not--gasp!--gay? =)

daemon said...


i wonder how effective will this "test" be with a certain someone....

me thinks...

* thinks *

on a serious note,

is there really a sure fire-way of telling if a supposedly-straight guys is interested with you...

and im not talking about the whole "guy-needs-a-sugar-daddy" thing... m referring to a "guy-who-becomes-your-friend-who-
gives-weird-signals" thing...


joelmcvie said...

@MUGEN & @GBIC: I can attest that you guys are gay. 3 out of 10 only means you guys are young.


Letche kayo.


@DAEMON: If you make your straight guy-crush take this test and he gets 8 out of 10 minimum, what are you waiting for? Unzip his pants and dive right in, LOL!

Seriously (and refering to your question), it depends on several things, like what kind of weird signals are we talking about here? Plus, he MAY BE interested in you, but not in a financial nor a romantic/sexual way. I will need more details, please. Pls email me separately.

Rexler said...

1- “Supermodel”, Ru Paul
2- “Finally”, Cece Peniston
3- “I Wanna Dance With Somebody”, Whitney Houston
4- “It’s Raining Men”, The Weather Girls
5- “Dancing Queen”, Abba
6- “I Am What I Am”, Gloria Gaynor
7- “Somewhere Over The Rainbow”, Judy Garland
8- “Believe”, Cher
9- “I Will Survive”, Gloria Gaynor
10- “I’m Coming Out”, Diana Ross
11- “Spice Up Your Life”, Spice Girls
12- “Touch My Body”, Mariah Scarey

Yes, I'm here, I'm queer!!!
And I would rather have my flame burn bright than be a puny little pilot light.

Anonymous said...

I recognize ALL the songs. As I was scrolling down the list I was even humming the songs. I guess that simply means I'm VERY gay (no surprise there) AND very old (WAAAAH!!!!!)!

Marcus: Bading Down Under said...

Paksiet! Didn't get #6 and #12!!!

Sad ako... :-(

daemon said...

@ mcvie,

thats a bit long...

i guess itll take me while to send you the complete details...


till then, thanks for the interest...

ash said...

i got 3-5
i got 8-10
and got the bonus perfect hehehe :)