The G-Detector Test

I met up with Cee and Dee last night at the mall. We entered this sports store, looking for a particular brand of footwear for Cee; upon entering, we immediately split up to cover more areas faster. I was so focused on searching for that brand (it’s not widely distributed here) that it took several minutes before I recognized what was playing full blast on the store’s PA system:

* * * * *

I’ve been warning you for months to clean up your act.
You’ve be late, you’ve been mean, giving all kinds of bullshit flack.

That’s a lie! That’s a lie! It’s just I haven’t been feeling that well.

* * * * *

It dawned on me: “Good lord, it’s the soundtrack of Dreamgirls!”

I rushed to look for Cee and Dee. Suddenly I found them both in one section of the store, as if we converged on purpose. Dee was even mouthing the words of the song. All three of us had the same expression of recognition on our faces: They’re playing “It’s All Over” in, of all places, a sports store! We all laughed out loud at the incongruity.

* * * * *

Stay out of this, Lorrell! This is between Deena and me.

Yeah? Well, it’s between me too.
I’m as much a part of this group as anybody else and I’m tired.
Effie, I’m tired of all the problems you’re making us.

* * * * *

“Naku, hindi bakla yung nag-play nito! Straight na straight!” I declared.

“At hindi lang basta-basta kung anong kanta sa soundtrack, yung argument scene pa!” laughed Cee.

I theorized that they played that song on purpose just to detect who among the customers are gay. Had they played “Listen” or “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going”, some straight guys may be familiar with them because those songs are popular enough. But the diva-tastic duel between Jennifer Hudson versus Beyonce Knowles, Jaime Foxx, Anika Nonie Rose and the rest? Only true gay fans would be familiar with the song—or even have the lyrics memorized!

It’s a form of Gay Detector Test. If upon reading the italicized lines from the lyrics above you were able to identify which song it was before reading my next paragraph, you’re gay.

Of course, any test involving song lyrics should take in to consideration the era in which the song became popular—the older the song, the more likely you’ll just detect old gay folks. The young gay set will most likely be oblivious to the songs of such older gay icons like Judy Garland, Liza Minelli, Cher in her prehistoric pre-“Believe” days (but she still looks the same then and now), and even—gasp!—Madonna in her “Burning Up” days.

Wonder just how gay (or maybe how old) you are? See if you can identify the title and performers of the songs from the following lyrics:

[1] Work, turn to the left
Work, now turn to the right
Work, sashay shante!

[2] Meeting Mr. Right, the man of my dreams,
The one who shows me true love (or at least it seems).
With brown cocoa skin and curly black hair,
It’s just the way he looks at me, that gentle loving stare.

[3] So when the night falls
My lonely heart calls

[4] God bless Mother Nature, she’s a single woman too.
She took off to heaven and she did what she had to do.

[5] You can dance, you can jive,
Having the time of your life!

[6] It’s one life and there’s no return and no deposit.
One life, so it’s time to open up your closet!

[7] Some day I’ll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me.

[8] But after all is said and done,
You’re going to be the lonely one, oh!

[9] I should have changed my stupid lock,
I should have made you leave your key.

[10] I’m coming out!
I want the world to know,
Got to let it show.

BONUS:

[11] Smiling, dancing, everything is free—
All you need is positivity!

[12] ‘Cause if you run your mouth and brag
about this secret rendezvous—
I will hunt you down.

*(NOTE: This G-Detector Test is inaccurate, inconclusive, and in the spirit of fun.)