Watch Me Entertain Myself!

Sacha Guitry once said, "You can pretend to be serious, but you can't pretend to be witty." Oh yes, I'm the great pretender.
(pilot episode: 20 January 2004)

Saturday, May 03, 2008

The Bathhouse Rules

Recently a friend of mine commented, “I envy you. Whenever you go to the bathhouse you always get the best guys.”

“Hu-what?!” I practically screamed at him. “Whatever gave you that idea?!”

“Your blog entries,” he said. “You always get lucky whenever you go to the bathhouse.”

“That’s because I only write about the successful ones—and I won’t hesitate to tweak things to make the story more entertaining or more humorous,” I replied. “And not all of the successful ones are ‘gorgeous’ guys, ha. Besides, what you don’t know is that for every successful encounter there are 3 to 5 unsuccessful tries or even outward rejections. There have been nights when I’d go home with zero conquests. I just don’t write about those.”

“Really?” he said, sounding a little unconvinced. So even though I’ve tackled this before in a previous season, I’m updating my list of Things I’ve Learned About Getting Laid In The Bathhouse:

[1] In the Bell Curve of Beauty, 70% of the general population falls within the huge range of “check him out!” to “he looks okay” to “ordinary” to “so-so” to “not my type”. Then 20% is divided into 10% “ugly” and 10% “gorgeous”. The remaining 10% is divided into 5% “heavenly” and 5% “creatures from hell”. Your chances of getting laid are greater if you target the majority rather than the miniscule.

[2] Media focuses largely on 15% “gorgeous” and “heavenly”. It may have unduly warped your standards; don’t be obsessed by what media obsesses over. If you can’t get rid of it, at least be aware of it.

[3] Unless you belong to the 5% “heavenly”, the number of unsuccessful hook-ups will always outnumber the successful ones. Take comfort in knowing that the one who turned you down was also turned down just as many times as, or maybe even more than you.

And let’s face it: of the 5% “heavenly” group, let’s assume 1% is gay; of those, how many will most likely be out, or at least confident enough to enter a bathhouse? Besides if they’re that gorgeous they won’t need to go to a bathhouse to get laid.

[4] In a crowded bathhouse where there is a lot to choose from, the good-looking ones will often feed only on the other good-looking ones; those at the bottom of the food chain often end up with scraps or just content themselves with watching the action from a distance. But when there’s a scarcity of choice, the likelihood of the good-looking ones “settling” for someone “below” his rank increases depending on the outcome of his internal struggle between his pride and his need to get laid. If he’s particularly horny and desperate, others will sense it; that may trigger a possible feeding frenzy (okay, okay, jockeying for position actually).

[5] Sad but true: obviously effeminate men may have a harder time getting the discreet and straight-acting ones—or rather, those who think that they’re discreet and straight-acting even though they have more swish than a windshield wiper during a thunderstorm. There’s a reason why you always read “no effems pls” in sites such as G4M. To date, straight-acting that’s natural is still the most marketable commodity in the game of getting laid. And acting straight will more likely snag a straight-acting gay guy.

[6] But there is cosmic balance in the universe. Outside the bathhouse, the pa-girl effems and parloristas will more likely snag an honest-to-goodness straight guy. Think beauty parlor gay with a neighborhood tricycle driver as his lover. Cliché but hey, it still happens.

[7] Get real. Visual delight is the primary and most important reason—sometimes the only reason—that will attract someone to you. So invest a bit in your visual delight (but don’t be too obsessed either—no one likes an obvious narcissist). If you’re extremely out of shape, then be prepared for a long shot; chubby-chasers are a minority.

[8] In the end, many other factors come into play that will affect your hooking-up batting average. These factors change with every visit. So there is no sure-fire formula for success. Only by repeated trying will you discover tricks and techniques that will increase your chances of success. But in the end there’s always the possibility of rejection. Do not be too affected by rejection. Accept that fact; embrace that idea.

In the bathhouse, success is 10% beauty and 90% tenacity.


Mugen said...

Nice: Exactly the rules that apply in CB. Hehe.

Alam mo noong nandun pa ako, na-eenhance ng doble ang masculine-sensing skills ko. Bakit kaya?

Vince said...

I find your observations quite true. I'm also amused to find that we have the same estimate of 15% of guys being the gorgeous/heavenly ones.

Oh, I have seen one of the 5% heavenly enter a bathhouse one time. I commented to my companion, "what is he doing here?"

And you forgot one thing: I've observed that aggressiveness and persistence gives you large chance of getting laid. Kung torpe ka, good luck sa iyo (unless you're good-looking.)

Anonymous said...

I demand a part 2 entitled " Tricks and Techniques that will increase your chances of success"!. lol.


ming meows said...

finally, a lesson about statistics i can relate to...

Anonymous said...

Item 4 - pag naman merong stud-like na pinuputakti at hindi mo pansinin, in the end, sya pa ang hahabol sa u? meron ba nito?

Enrico Nicolas said...

wow. spoken like an expert. very, very informative.

i'll make sure to keep these rules in mind. if i ever go to a bathhouse.

joelmcvie said...

@ENRICO: Hindi naman "expert", "experienced" lang. =)

Kai Santorino said...

Sadly I've only been to a bath house twice (sadly daw o!) But yeah, effems are not really getting a lot. Kasi (no offense sa mga effems okay?) there's a great deal of us out there who fantasize about f-ing a man... a Real man. So the next best thing is a straight-acting PLU...

joelmcvie said...

@KAI: Yes, that's right. By the same token, I suspect that the reason why straights don't really mind getting "serviced" by cross-dressers is because they mimic real women.

Mink: The White Paladin said...

great breakdown of rules for someone like me who hasnt entered a bath house yet, i recently watched a film BATH HOUSE, ganun ba talaga ka obvious pag sinabing bath house? para kasing napaka wild ng depiction ng pelikula at parang na culture shock ako...

great post, marami ako natutunan!

Kai Santorino said...

@ McVie: LOL @ that but yeah it follows the same theory. Oh well...

Maiba ako.. My psych prof in college has a theory about the ever expanding empire of PLUs. We dont reproduce yet we're experiencing a population boom! Why? Because (according to him) this is God's way of spreading love without reproducing and bloating our world..

agree anyone?

joelmcvie said...

@KAI: You can use the Lord's name, or you can attribute it to Gaia or Mother Nature. In fact, years ago my friends and I thought of a sci-fi story wherein the premise is that the rise of homosexuality is Gaia's way of keeping the population explosion in check. =)

red riding odin hood said...

hahaha i havent been to a bath house but the rules still stand true for other PLU game places.

before i totally didnt believe that straight or straight-acting guys would truly, honestly and sincerely fall for an effem. but all that changed after hearing and reading a few stories of effem-straight romances and recently when i myself developed some sort of crush to effem types. hehe a lot of them are really cute and got class and not palengkera

closet case said...

nice, nice, nice.
i really should try the bh once again!
love the part about aiming for the majority to increase chances.
a few years back, went to f quite drunk. there were SOOO many PLU's. i was drunkenly going in and out of the maze, the sauna. and drinking in the bar.
vince was right. the torpe's end up zero. well, almost zero.
i became really drunk and just allowed things to happen in one dark corner. didnt know who they were, didnt care anymore. released, showered and left.

rolekz said...


Can you please post a review/recommendation of the best-5 GAY spa that you been to. In terms of place, service, ambiance.

Haven't visited any and really want. But I'm not into the seedy/cruising part of it. Just looking to relax and unwind.

Thanks a lot

joelmcvie said...

@ROLEKZ: Sorry but I've only been to two bathhouses here in Manila, and both of them I can recommend for different reasons, mainly depending on what kind of crowd you'd like to see.

Now, as to what you said: "I'm not into the seedy/cruising part of it. Just looking to relax and unwind." Hmmm... if you wanna relax and unwind, go to a spa or Tagaytay. Bathhouses were put up precisely for the seedy/cruising part. Regarding the "seedy" part: if you're referring to the interiors, then some bathhouses aren't too seedy; but if you're referring to cruising as a seedy activity, then all bathhouses are seedy.

rolekz said...

Thanks for the reply joelmcvie.Appreciated.

I'm looking for a GAY-spa. Somehow, I think that the "seedy" aspect of it will always be a part of the gay scene, as you also mentioned(not to offend anybody). But I thought there are places which are gay friendly and still a cool place to relax. I mean, i want a massage but i sure want a hunky guy to give me one.

I will be in Manila just for a few days so I'm not sure if i will have much time to drive up to Tagaytay.

YM? can we chat a bit? my YM ID is rolekz

joelmcvie said...

@ROLEKZ: Oops! My bad, sorry. I didn't read the "spa" in your first comment, and immediately assumed you were asking about bathhouses. Forgive me. =)

I also don't frequent spas and massage parlors anymore, so I can't even rate one properly. BUT! I do know Hilom ( simply because I know one of the owners. I've toured the place and seen their masseurs--not seedy at all! And if you just want to relax in a cool, gay-friendly atmosphere with different hunks to choose from, then I think you should check out their website ASAP! =)