The Bathhouse Rules

Recently a friend of mine commented, “I envy you. Whenever you go to the bathhouse you always get the best guys.”

“Hu-what?!” I practically screamed at him. “Whatever gave you that idea?!”

“Your blog entries,” he said. “You always get lucky whenever you go to the bathhouse.”

“That’s because I only write about the successful ones—and I won’t hesitate to tweak things to make the story more entertaining or more humorous,” I replied. “And not all of the successful ones are ‘gorgeous’ guys, ha. Besides, what you don’t know is that for every successful encounter there are 3 to 5 unsuccessful tries or even outward rejections. There have been nights when I’d go home with zero conquests. I just don’t write about those.”

“Really?” he said, sounding a little unconvinced. So even though I’ve tackled this before in a previous season, I’m updating my list of Things I’ve Learned About Getting Laid In The Bathhouse:

[1] In the Bell Curve of Beauty, 70% of the general population falls within the huge range of “check him out!” to “he looks okay” to “ordinary” to “so-so” to “not my type”. Then 20% is divided into 10% “ugly” and 10% “gorgeous”. The remaining 10% is divided into 5% “heavenly” and 5% “creatures from hell”. Your chances of getting laid are greater if you target the majority rather than the miniscule.

[2] Media focuses largely on 15% “gorgeous” and “heavenly”. It may have unduly warped your standards; don’t be obsessed by what media obsesses over. If you can’t get rid of it, at least be aware of it.

[3] Unless you belong to the 5% “heavenly”, the number of unsuccessful hook-ups will always outnumber the successful ones. Take comfort in knowing that the one who turned you down was also turned down just as many times as, or maybe even more than you.

And let’s face it: of the 5% “heavenly” group, let’s assume 1% is gay; of those, how many will most likely be out, or at least confident enough to enter a bathhouse? Besides if they’re that gorgeous they won’t need to go to a bathhouse to get laid.

[4] In a crowded bathhouse where there is a lot to choose from, the good-looking ones will often feed only on the other good-looking ones; those at the bottom of the food chain often end up with scraps or just content themselves with watching the action from a distance. But when there’s a scarcity of choice, the likelihood of the good-looking ones “settling” for someone “below” his rank increases depending on the outcome of his internal struggle between his pride and his need to get laid. If he’s particularly horny and desperate, others will sense it; that may trigger a possible feeding frenzy (okay, okay, jockeying for position actually).

[5] Sad but true: obviously effeminate men may have a harder time getting the discreet and straight-acting ones—or rather, those who think that they’re discreet and straight-acting even though they have more swish than a windshield wiper during a thunderstorm. There’s a reason why you always read “no effems pls” in sites such as G4M. To date, straight-acting that’s natural is still the most marketable commodity in the game of getting laid. And acting straight will more likely snag a straight-acting gay guy.

[6] But there is cosmic balance in the universe. Outside the bathhouse, the pa-girl effems and parloristas will more likely snag an honest-to-goodness straight guy. Think beauty parlor gay with a neighborhood tricycle driver as his lover. Cliché but hey, it still happens.

[7] Get real. Visual delight is the primary and most important reason—sometimes the only reason—that will attract someone to you. So invest a bit in your visual delight (but don’t be too obsessed either—no one likes an obvious narcissist). If you’re extremely out of shape, then be prepared for a long shot; chubby-chasers are a minority.

[8] In the end, many other factors come into play that will affect your hooking-up batting average. These factors change with every visit. So there is no sure-fire formula for success. Only by repeated trying will you discover tricks and techniques that will increase your chances of success. But in the end there’s always the possibility of rejection. Do not be too affected by rejection. Accept that fact; embrace that idea.

In the bathhouse, success is 10% beauty and 90% tenacity.