Watch Me Entertain Myself!

Sacha Guitry once said, "You can pretend to be serious, but you can't pretend to be witty." Oh yes, I'm the great pretender.
(pilot episode: 20 January 2004)

Friday, May 15, 2009

Live Long And Prosper?

An all-male high school, 1980s. He was a year younger than me. In our school org, the older members were assigned an underclassman each to watch over—he was assigned to me.

He had the cutest of smiles, at once inviting and shy. It’s like he wanted to be liked, yet terrified of the attention. And attention was what I gave him. He’d always run up to me for advice. And I made him feel that he can do whatever he put his mind on. We started spending more time together, during org meets and going home from school. I wanted him to like me the way I liked him. He wanted someone else.

One day he confided in me something that had been bothering him for quite some time. He was worried that he and his best friend (and classmate) had slowly been drifting apart. And he told me he was sorry but he’d be spending more time with his friend than with me.

I was an emotional mess, though no one saw it. Back then, I knew better than to show the hurt and devastation of missing a fellow male. And I turned to Star Trek’s Mr. Spock. I decided that I would control my emotions instead of them controlling me. And that included falling in love.

The lesson proved difficult to learn. I kept falling for straight guys, hoping that my attention would be enough to sway their orientation and make them fall for me. And after that “chasing straights” phase, I started falling for gay guys who were either not available or—more often than not—were not interested in me at all.

But I guess I needed to go through all that. Now I know better.

Or then again, maybe not. Maybe I’m just more wary than wise. My ears are still not pointy.

8 comments:

Aris said...

"I wanted him to like me the way I liked him. He wanted someone else." -- a feeling i know so well. kapag kaharap mo siya, nagkukunwari kang buo on the outside pero ginugutay ka ng emosyon mo on the inside.

karla said...

hehe. had dis one episode during high school when the guy said "bat ang bait mo sa kin? as i was zipping up his fly. obvious ba? hehehe

joelmcvie said...

@KARLA: AHAHAHAHA! Tumambling ako sa tanong niya! Dapat sinagot mo, "Kelangan pa bang i-memorize yan?!" (after spitting or swallowing, whichever you prefer).

Herbs D. said...

weird how you tend to go for Mr. Spock haha. just go with the flow, you know these gay-straight stories we here a lot so often? well it happens. you just need one gram of weed and five bottles of san mig :)

trust me ahihihi.

joelmcvie said...

@HERBS: I'm not out to get straight guys into bed. Sakit sa ulo lang yan. =)

Theo Martin said...

Mcviie, though I learned even before high school never to chase straight guys because I want reciprocation, i still can relate sa post mo ;) hihihi. ;)

lobster-tony said...

I wonder how I would have turned out if I was turned down and didn't have that first relationship with a guy (who is now married with a kid on the way) during HS.

Would the emotional scars be shallower to have had the devastation earlier on like you did or three years later when he realized that he hated what we did together and it wasn't really his thing....

One thing is for sure though.... we move on. :D

joelmcvie said...

@TONY: One incident alone was not enough to scar me. This incident is just the start of the many that eventually scarred and scared me. And even though we move on, we remember. =)