Poly Wanna Crack Her

I received an email from XanderKhan! regarding this very interesting article on polyamory. Polyamory is different from polygamy. For those whose minds are a little more open than most, or are willing to see a very different kind of view, read on.

The following are excerpts from the article.

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Love unlimited: The polyamorists
07 July 2006
Exclusive from New Scientist Print Edition.
by Annalee Newitz

“I was dating Gordon when I met Heather and Jim. Then I started dating Jim too, and Heather started dating Gordon right before he and I broke up,” says Noemi. Confused? Tonight I’m having dinner with a group whose unusual lifestyle warrants such introductions. They are a “polyamorous” family—one whose members are openly committed to several lovers at the same time.

For psychologists and evolutionary biologists, polyamory is a rare opportunity to see, out in the open, what happens when people stop suppressing their desire for multiple partners and embrace non-monogamy. Proponents say the poly brand of open but committed relationships may be a way around infidelity because it turns an age-old problem into a solution: polyamorists are released from the burdens of traditional marriage vows, yet they seem to keep their long-term relationships intact. What makes poly enticing is the possibility of reconciling long-term stability and romantic variety.

And why shouldn’t we consider it? When most people think of non-exclusive marriages, they think of polygamy, an ancient but still widespread practice that involves one person, usually male, acquiring multiple spouses in a harem-like arrangement. Or swinging, in which couples have casual flings on the side. Polyamory is different. It encompasses a dizzying variety of arrangements—anything from couples with long-term lovers on the side to larger groups with overlapping relationships. If anything characterizes poly, says Elaine Cook, a psychiatrist who has a private practice in Marin County, California, it is a lack of rigid structure.

What evidence there is shows that poly couples stay together as long as monogamous ones—and, apparently, for good reasons. In a study published last December in the Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality (vol 8), Cook analyzed the relationships of seven couples who had been married for more than 10 years, and who had had additional partners for at least seven of those years. She found that most of the couples reported “love” or “connection” as important reasons for staying together. This contrasts with monogamous couples, Cook notes, who often list external factors such as religion or family as major reasons for remaining committed.

That is telling. Cook speculates that polyamorists perceive themselves as having more choices, and therefore they only stay in marriages and relationships that make them happy. “They have other relationships that they are perhaps equally excited about being in, but they want to maintain this [marriage] relationship because it continues to satisfy them,” she says.

For some, poly may be more realistic than monogamy. Having multiple partners frees people from the process of trying to find “the one” who is perfect for them in every way. In April, psychologist Rachel Robbins at the Mission Mental Health clinic in San Francisco conducted a survey of 250 polyamorous women. The number 1 reason they gave for being poly was “to experience different activities and explore different parts of themselves with different people.” Instead of asking one person to meet all their needs, polyamorists are content with several people who each meet a few.

Heather says poly is a way of keeping her long-term partnerships alive. “When you think about it, what happened is that Jim and I didn’t get divorced when we got new partners. We’re still together and yet have more love from other people.”

“Polyamory is not for everybody,” says Jim. “But it creates a range of options, which is important because you can’t optimise one kind of relationship to fit everyone.”

“The important thing is that we trust each other,” says Noemi, rubbing her pregnant belly with a smile. Although poly is still well out of the mainstream, it has become an attractive alternative to monogamy for some. Whether it is good for society remains an open question. For now, there’s a more pressing issue—is it good for you?

(For the complete article online, log on to: http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg19125591.800)

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While I’m far from agreeing with polyamory (deep down, I think I’m a manang-at-heart… charing!), I found the article raises some very interesting points to ponder. What do you think?