Watch Me Entertain Myself!

Sacha Guitry once said, "You can pretend to be serious, but you can't pretend to be witty." Oh yes, I'm the great pretender.
(pilot episode: 20 January 2004)

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Star Warla!

(This episode is inspired by Leigh and is dedicated to Badinggerzie who made the original gay Star Wars.)

* * * * *

A long, long time ago in a pink galaxy far, far away….

Inside the Death Megastar, a cloaked dark figure pauses in front of a window.

“I sense a disturbance in the Fhworce,” Darth Gayder says. He wore a becoming cape and a helmet that most people will refer to, kindly, as phallic. Or German cut.

“What do you sense, Lord Gayder?” asked Empress Shuck Papatine.

"My junakiz," replied Darth Gayder, with a swish of his cape.

"You have a son?" Empress Shuck, shocked, gasped. "How did that happen?"

"Drunken night, aggressive woman, lonely me... don't ask," Darth Gayder muttered.

"K fine," humphed Empress Shuck, shook his head, and swished away.

Darth Gayder glanced out the window. From afar, a spaceship floated towards the Death Megastar.

"I have you now," he declared.

* * * * *

Inside the Millennium Falcon Videos, captain Handsome Solo was worried. "I have a bad feeling about this," he said, and turned to his co-pilot, a Wookie named Chewbakla. A Wookie is nothing but a bear with a bad hair day. But since it's Chewbakla, its hair is oh-so-flowing, like a hair talent's at a shampoo commercial.

"Aooowwwrrr! Aooowwwrrr!" growled Chewbakla.

"Fucking can't understand a growl you said," muttered Handsome.

He turned to his two passengers, Luke Biwalker and Princess Labia. Luke was weilding a light saber; the Princess was weilding a hair blower, trying to dry the buns on her head. What she didn't know, Chewbakla was inwardly chuckling at her efforts.

"What did I get myself into?" wondered Handsome.

Suddenly the ship shuddered and lurched forward. "We're caught in a tractor beam!" Handsome yelled. "It's sucking us towards the Death Megastar!"

"Oooh, 'sucking'!" Luke said, all excited.

* * * * *

Inside the Death Megastar, Handsome, Chewbakla, Luke and Labia were ushered into the chambers of Darth Gayder.

"At last I have you now," declared Darth Gayder.

"How did you manage to find us with all that space?" asked Labia.

Darth Gayder chuckled. "It was easy, Princess." And a door opened at his gesture. Into the room entered a bounty hunter that looked like Ru Paul, except he had a bizarre helmet that looked more like a carnivale del Rio headgear.

"Lady Gaga?!" said Luke and Labia in unison.

"Who's Lady Gaga?" whispered Handsome to Chewbakla. The Wookie looked sadly at its master and shook its head.

"Hindi ako si Lady Gaga, mga gaga!" yelled the bounty hunter. "I am Fete de la Bobba! THE?!" But he pronounced the last word like "D'uh." And he waved his glittering neon-lined laser gun at them.

"Ay, boba talaga," muttered Labia.

"Ay, Lady Bongga!" exclaimed Luke.

Darth Gayder moved closer to him. "I sense a disturbance in your Fhworce," he said to Luke. "You are not a Biwalker. You are a Gaywalker!"

"Noooooo!" Luke yelled in shock. "I'm straight-actiiiiing!"

Labia turned to her brother. "No, you're in denial, bro."

"What?!" Handsome yelled in shock.

"I should know," Labia continued. "Luke pretended he had a crush on me."

"HU-WHAAAAT?!" yelled everyone in shock. "Aooowwwrrr?!" aooowwwrrred Chewbakla in shock.

Labia raised her hand. "Relax, that was before he found out I was his sister," she explained. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

"Luke has had a crush on Handsome for the longest time," Labia continued. "That's why he got really jealous when he saw Handsome kiss me while repairing the Millennium Falcon Videos."

"But how did you know I was gay, sister?" Luke asked. "For all you know, I was jealous of Handsome, not of you!"

"Because it takes one to know one," replied Labia with a smile.

"What?" yelled Darth Gayder in shock.

"I'm gay too," said Princess Labia. "I'm a lesbian. I'm a labia-loving Labia."

"Ewwww!" yelled Fete de la Bobba in disgust.

Handsome shook his head. "No wonder you had no reaction when I kissed you. Damn."

Darth Gayder raised his hand towards Luke. "Luke, I am... NOT... your father."

Luke looked puzzled at Darth Gayder. "Uhm, and...?" he said, eyebrows raised.

"I am your mudrakels!"

Luke's eyes widened in surprise. "WEH?!"

"Weh," said Darth Gayder.

"Obi Wan Kerokerokeropi never told me about you before he croaked!" said Luke.

And father and son hugged.

"Like father, like son," muttered Fete de la Bobba.

"Correction!" Labia butted in. "Like fudra, like junakiz."

"Correction number two!" Luke butted in also. "Like mudra, like junakiz."

Just then Empress Shuck Papatine entered the room. "You betrayed me!" he screamed at Darth Gayder. And pink lightning flew from his fingers. Darth Gayder blocked the surge of force wtih his pink light saber, but the lightning hit the nuclear reactor of the Death Megastar.

And the Death Megastar exploded in a burst of golden glitter.

* * * * *

(And unlike George Lucas, I promise not to make any sequels nor prequels to this. One is enough.)


Leigh said...

Obi Wan Kerokeropi! The best! :-D

Rei Mikazuki said...

HU-WHAAAAT?! No sequels/prequels? Sayang naman, I was having fun reading it! Hahaha! I-fabcast niu kea toh! Ung tipong kau-kau ung mag-voiceact ng characters dito! :))

E said...



clap! clap! clap!

with matching standing ovation ...


~Carrie~ said...

ang galing. naaliw ako sa sosyal version ng post ni bandinggerzie