Bloody Good Movie, Literally

Before, I only knew Leonidas as a brand of terribly expensive Belgian chocolates. Sure, the logo had a Greek guy holding a spear, but hey, I originally thought the chocolates were from Greece, for crying out loud. Then I watched 300, the movie adaptation of Frank Miller’s graphic novel of the same title, and I realized there was nothing sweet about the tale of Greeks versus Persians. It is the story of King Leonidas and his army of 300 Spartans (plus some other Greeks) going up against thousands, nay, millions of pixels of CG images of Persian men, horses, rhinoceros, elephants, arrows and artfully-directed blood splattering. Oh, and the king and his half-naked Spartans should also thank the mouse-pushing folks at post-prod for giving each and every one of them their gorgeous abs!

King Leonodas is played by Gerard Butler, last seen—or half-seen—as the Phantom in Joel Schumacher’s movie version of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s The Phantom of the Opera. As the Phantom he proved he could sing; as Leonidas, he proved he could shout out most of his lines, like: “Madness?! This is SPARTA!” and “Tonight, we dine in HELL!” and “This is where we FIGHT! This is where they DIE!” and “Action speaks louder than VOICE!” and “What do you take me for, GRANTED?!” and “You’re nothing but a second-rate, trying-hard, PERSIAN CAT!” I suppose all that shouting was historically accurate. With no megaphones or walkie-talkies at the time, what can a king do but scream at his men just so his instructions could be heard? But don’t look for complete historical accuracy in this movie. I honestly doubt they were accurate about the Persian King Xerxes, played by gorgeous Brazilian actor Rodrigo Santoro, he with the fabulous eye shadow, gold foundation, and plucked-to-within-an-inch eyebrows. I mean, how can a Persian king look that gorgeous and fabulous in the middle of a war, right?

But I must admit the kinetic energy of the battle scenes was contagious. Halfway through the film I was ready to grab my noisy seatmate’s drink and stab his throat with his straw just to shut him up. But then the movie kept cutting back to the subplot involving Lena Headey’s Queen Gorgo, who really should consider a name change. The movie screeched to a boring halt every time the queen’s scenes came on. But I guess the producers must have thought, “Hey, there’s just too much man-to-man action here! We need tits to keep the geeky straight boys in their seats!” Speaking of man-to-man action, there was more sexual tension between Leonidas and Xerxes (who were both half-naked and deep into negotiations) versus Leonidas and Gorgo (who were totally naked and deep into sex). Much like the sexual tension between Sam Milby and Zanjoe Marudo in You Got Me!, but then it may just be me.

It’s visually arresting, historically inaccurate (on purpose), structurally flawed, but oozing with testosterone and blood. Go watch 300. I swear by the time the end credits roll, you’ll want to be a Spartan: go without a bath for days, shave your torso for a sleeker look (oh my, ancient Greek metrosexuals!), and show no surrender, no mercy, no emotions (other than anger and triumph), and no t-shirts. It’s tough to be a Spartan, but you’ll surely end up a tough one.