Watch Me Entertain Myself!

Sacha Guitry once said, "You can pretend to be serious, but you can't pretend to be witty." Oh yes, I'm the great pretender.
(pilot episode: 20 January 2004)

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Just The FAQs, Ma’am

“So when did you know you are gay?”

Growing up I sensed I was different because, even during grade school, I enjoyed looking at the muscular figures of Superman and Batman—the more realistic and muscular the drawing, the longer I looked. I especially liked how they wore their underwear on the outside and wished they were skimpier. But Green Lantern and Flash were sexier: Look Ma, no underwear!

During that time I also discovered that if I wear tight underwear, it gave me a tingly feeling down there. And if I slipped the sides of my briefs in between the crack of my ass like a thong, I could pull up my briefs even more for a tighter fit. Of course the cloth hitting my ass felt so sexy.

During grade school I joined the theater club, and we had to mingle with the girls from St. Bridget’s and Maryknoll. (You know someone’s old when he uses “Maryknoll” instead of “Miriam.”) I had to “force” myself to have a crush on one of the girls simply because everyone else had a crush. I also found myself stealing glances at all the cute guys with big bodies when they were changing into or out of their costumes. Thank god our director was gay and insisted that all of his plays should have boys wearing leotards. While waiting for my parents to pick me up after school, I would research about “homosexuality” in the library. All the books said that everyone goes through a homosexual stage.

By high school I had my first serious crush. By college I had my second and longest-running crush (I got over him only after he got married and moved to the States). By fourth year I told myself, “This is going on much too long to just be a ‘stage’ so maybe I’m gay.” But I only came out to my (second and longest) crush; it was both a coming-out and an admission that I had a crush on him. That wrecked our friendship; it never recovered after that. But I continued to hope against hope for years after; that’s how stupid I was.

So when did I admit to myself? Sometime in college. But I only started coming out to other people outside of friends when I was in my second job back in the very early 90s.

Are you top, bottom or versatile?

I used to be totally top until I read somewhere about bisexuals having twice more chances of getting a date on a Saturday night, so I became a top-but-versatile-wannabe because my first two forays into bottoming for someone was a painful reminder that relaxation and lubrication are musts before the thrusts. But then in recent months I’ve noticed that in bathhouses there seem to be more and more who refuse to bottom. I also hear more guys say stuff like, “Biruin mo, ang laking tao niya pero bottom pala!” with such a condescending tone. And in Bed they flash on the screen: Bottoms rule! So now while I’ve not yet changed my stated preferred role in my G4M profile I’m beginning to seriously rethink my views on bottoming.

I think those who look down on bottoms because they equate it to a female role should be slapped silly by RuPaul. I particularly find it offensive that they equate any “feminine” trait as “weak.” Hello, have you guys heard of gender equality? Bottoming should be seen as a gay act, period.

What’s the name of the spa mentioned in the “Mandy and More” episode?

Let’s play Hangman… sort of. Fill in the blanks: C _ _ _ L _ _ _ s _ _ _ e. It’s in QC. It’s a legit spa, so I refuse to name it outright here.

But don’t you want to have a family, have children in the future?

Having a child, let alone children, is a huge responsibility that will last you a lifetime. Because I take my responsibilities seriously, I seriously don’t want to take on this particular responsibility. Seriously, what for?

So how come you’re still single?

I’ve asked that myself for so long, I’ve stopped. But others still do the asking. So I say, Do you think I have a choice?

But if I really ask myself, Do I want to have a boyfriend? then my answer is this. Actually, yes. Of course, yes na yes naman, noh! After all, I’ve never had a boyfriend. Ever. So yes, I would like to personally experience what it is that a million others have gone gaga over. I would like to personally experience that which inspired a million songs, fueled the industries of motels, greeting cards and flowers arrangements, and caused a billion babies to be born. Okay, so we can skip the part about the babies.

But having admitted that to myself, I realize that while I want to have a boyfriend, I may not be ready to have one. Or maybe I just keep falling for those “unattainable” ones. Why? Cuz it’s easier to fail before a relationship happens versus failing while in a relationship. Gets mo?

Anyway, maybe the answer to the question “So how come you’re still single?” is simply “Because I’m still fucked up.”

So how come you’ve never had a boyfriend ever?

At first it was because I always fell for straight guys, hoping against hope that I can turn them over “to the Dark Side of the Force.” Then it was because I kept falling for the ones already taken, and I feared the wrath of karma if I turned home-wreaker. Nowadays it’s fear of failure.


I’m fucked.


Really? You’re 41 years old? You look younger!

My stock answer these days: “Yes, I know.”


kawadjan said...

great post! "I think those who look down on bottoms because they equate it to a female role should be slapped silly by RuPaul." work!

joelmcvie said...

KAWADJAN: Thanks! You know who else can do the bitch-slappin'? Xerxes in the movie "300"! With matching bling-blings.

takoman said...

Don't despair. That special someone might show up when you least expect it.

joelmcvie said...

*rolls eyes*

TAKOMAN: Sorry if I do an eye-roll there. I've been "not expecting" for a couple of decades now, so you can imagine the amount of roll my eyes did. I'm doomed to be the gay George Clooney without his looks, talent and money.

I'm sorry, did you say "Don't despair"? My dear, I'm beyond despair. I'm even beyond repair. I'm officially a despair-ate housewife--without the house and without a husband.

Don't mind me. I'm in a particularly wicked mood today. :-)

badinggerzie said...

nakakatouch naman tong post na toh . . . . parang pang maalaala mo kaya the movie . . .

"I think those who look down on bottoms because they equate it to a female role should be slapped silly by RuPaul." - classic . . iku-quote kita ha! powerful!

joelmcvie said...

BADINGGERZIE: Go ahead, kut-quote-in mo baby! Sabihan mo lahat ng mga bagets na immature na may-I-walk-out na lang at makikipaghabulan sa Makati Avenue. :-)

amateur misanthrope said...

francoise sagat is a bottom.