Watch Me Entertain Myself!

Sacha Guitry once said, "You can pretend to be serious, but you can't pretend to be witty." Oh yes, I'm the great pretender.
(pilot episode: 20 January 2004)

Thursday, June 21, 2007

I’m Properly Berated



I stumbled upon Berate My Blog through Thadie’s blog. Curious as to how the two ladies of BMB would rate The McVie Show Season 5, I left my URL in their comments page then waited. And waited. And waited. Until it dawned on me that maybe the ladies also have day jobs. So after three hours of checking their blog for results (impatient me!), I decided to leave it well enough alone.

The following day I forgot all about it. Then the next. Then the next.

Later today I got an email notice: it was from a blogger named Mark Xander who’s a vegan and so cute and talented and uber-healthy to boot—I know, I know, it’s beside the point but indulge me, now shut up!—congratulating me for getting the highest score so far in Berate My Blog.

Ows?!

So I go there to check.

Oh.

This is their review.

* * * * *

Review: The McVie Show, Season 5

Graphics - Most of the photo composition is ad agency whizbang, so put this in a folder, you photog wannabes.

Content - The blurbs for films and 'where we went' pictorials are only asides for what's most titillating here - the pointblank portrayals of bath house drama. To think this is the way it has worked in bath houses for millennia really intrigues.

Style - Who wouldn't be taken with the combo of 'breezy and matter of fact' and erudite wherever you zoom in? This blog is a showcase!

Recommend - Ad positioning that's not too 'in your face' , smaller font for the oneliners maybe?

Rating - 9.7


* * * * *

All right peanut gallery, quiet please!

Now, where was I?

So anyway I had to make a response of some sort. (But before that I checked out Mark Xander’s blog and did you know that he joined and won the Hari Ng Negros pageant in 2006 and has posted pics of his top ten choices for the 2007 pageant and they’re hot, hot, hunks?)

Er, where was I again?

So anyway I had to make a response—this is sooo Groundhog Day! Cut! Fast forward! Cue! Roll VTR!

Here’s my response:

* * * * *

(orchestra plays "Bituwing Walang Ningning" theme, up then fade out; applause dies down)

Oh my god, I didn't expect this!

As Sally Fields once said, “You like me, you really like me.”

Okay, okay, breathe, breathe! Whew.

My opening line is the most cliché line I could ever open with, but hey, that’s why they’re clichés. It’s overused because it’s true.

In the spirit of the title of your blog, let me take this time to berate:

I would like to berate the Two Lovely Hags of Berate My Blog. You’ve now put pressure on me to maintain and even surpass the rating you gave to my show. It’s a very happy pressure—much like someone pressing his crotch against mine. Whew! Is it getting hot in here or what?!

I would like to berate the owners of the bathhouses here in Metro Manila. They should be paying me for promoting their establishments to non-gays and females. (Heaven forbid the Two Lovely Hags should ever want to tour one! Lord, the earth will open up and swallow all the clients should the two step inside the premises.) Uhm, dear owners, how about a discount? Hehehe.

I would like to berate Blogger and my friend who introduced me to Blogger. It it weren’t for Blogger’s format, the Two Lovely Hags would have seen—especially in my earlier posts and in my earlier seasons (but they wouldn’t count, cuz they’re technically separate blogs)—that my episodes aren’t all about bathhouses. I also talk about cruising in gyms, in bars, in… oops! On second thought, let’s leave that well enough alone, shall we?

I would like to berate my friend, the wonderful and very talented writer Mr. Gibbs Cadiz. He taught me to put my Google Ads where they are right now—in your face. Me being a good soldier of advertising, I just followed whatever he said. Shame on me. Given that my total earnings after two months is a whopping $0.02, a re-layout should seriously be considered. (Gibbs, do I really name-drop? Hahaha!)

I would like to berate The Vegan Prince Mark Xander, for congratulating me for my score. Shucks, I hate to have to be the one to over-score such a cute, smart, talented and uber-healthy hunk of a blogger like him. Gosh, and he was even the first to congratulate me! Am I blushing nah buh?! Shyeeeeeeeth. Now I’m diyahe na to Mark. I’ll make tago-tago na among the bushes in the vegetable garden—mind you, an organic vegetable garden, ha!

I would like to ber—

(orchestra starts blaring theme of “Rocky” very loudly as the Two Lovely Hags push McVie off the stage)

* * * * *

Now if I can only score this high when I go into bathhouses, I’ll be a happy camper.

13 comments:

JOSH said...

McVie, Joel!!! Congrats congrats congrats!!! Sori been sick for a while (i promise myself pa naman, thru mgg, dat i'll visit this site daily, as in janver daily!!!)

Mark Xander said...

Hi Joel. Great interview with Gibbs on your show.. got it from the net. LOL. I linked you up too, by the way. :)

gibbs cadiz said...

hahaha, mcvie, in-your-face ads that don't work? ay naku, me balat ka! e same placement lang naman tayo ng ads, yung akin naman kumikita... wait, did i just say that? herase! :) congrats sa highest rating evah! hmmm, nasa line-up din ako to be berated by the two ladies, i'm shivering-quivering-sweating in anticipation. sana si mark din magcongratulate sa akin kahit below 9+ ang score ko, hahaha! joel mcvie, una kong naging friend si mark xander at ang kanyang bubu na si ian ha, magkaliwanagan lang! :)

aryo said...

Your blog deserves the praises. Yours is one of the best in the web. Need I challenge you to keep it standing? (Your flag in the summit of achievements, I mean. :-))

rmacapobre said...

cool. ill ask them to berate my blog as well. hmm although im not sure how id handle the rejection .. if that were the case ^_^

cant_u_read said...

congratulations, joel mcvie! :-) your kasuyness is proud of yah!

aries said...

are they filipinas?

Raymond said...

Congratulations, McVie! And a truly classic and classy acceptance speech, ha ha!

joelmcvie said...

DEAR ALL:

Thanks guys. At the end of the day, I'm not really the ambitious type who'll try to hold on to his "crown" by any and all means possible. Heck, I'll even GLADLY relinquish it (Gibbs, feeling ko ikaw na ang magta-top, kahit na ba bottom ka. CHOZ, CHARING! Hahahahahahaha!)

I honestly hope more bloggers will top my score, because that only means there is great writing happening all over the Pinoy blogsphere. The more, the merrier, di ba? Berate My Blog is not a beaucon but an avenue for feedback re. our blogs.

ARIES: I don’t know if they are Filipinas.

GIBBS (again): Ganoon? Angkinin ba si Mark? (in full Ate Vi mode) “Hindi ito karea ng daga sa perya na nag-uunhan, ang tanong, kanino sya masasarapan!” Ang sagot? Kay Ian! AHAHAHAHAHA!

joelmcvie said...

Because Oscar acceptance speeches are often a rattling moment, there were some people whom I inadvertently failed to mention. But backstage there's a press conference where people can acknowledge those whom they missed out onstage.

Here’s my presscon:

* * * * *

I would like to add to my list of people to berate one more guy. My apologies for missing him out in my acceptance speech. He should have been mentioned right after Gibbs.

I would like to berate Migs of MGG. Wala lang. Basta lang. Because he earns so much more than me and Gibbs combined. Because MGG is always suspended because the traffic is just oh sooo heavy. Because at the end of the day, what is 9.7 versus more than 10,000 pesos a month?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Yun na.

I.

Thank.

You.

Bow!

(walks off stage)

Phoenix said...

CONGRATULATIONS = )

Q The Conqueror said...

Woah! Idol kita McVie! Go! Go! Go!

Leigh said...

As a fervent fan from Season One, I congratulate you and shower you with camellia petals. (They have to be camellias as I am in Cannes in front of a Chanel boutique.)

I heart the McVie Show! :)