Barking Dogs

“Nachos corn dog, sir… ma’am!”

It was dinnertime and I chose an unfortunate seat near the Nachos Corn Dog stand. Their barker was on extended bark mode, inviting passersby with a resounding “Nachos corn dog, sir… ma’am!” It didn’t help at all that the barker was gay and that he extended the end of his sentences in a high-pitched lilt, like, “suuurrr” (sir) and “me-aaammmuh” (ma’am). He barked at anyone and anything moving within 20 feet: the couple coming out of the theater; a guy with a backpack and bobbing along to the music in his iPod; a group of officemates on their way home; even the guy wearing a Starbucks uniform.

So imagine my whole dinner experience:
When I gave my waiter my order: “Nachos corn dog, suuurrr… me-aaammmuh!”
When the waiter served me my Coke Zero: “Nachos corn dog, suuurrr… me-aaammmuh!”
While waiting for my fish kebab to arrive: “Nachos corn dog, suuurrr… me-aaammmuh!” “Nachos corn dog, suuurrr… me-aaammmuh!” “Nachos corn dog, suuurrr… me-aaammmuh!”
While eating my food: “Nachos corn dog, suuurrr… me-aaammmuh!”

My meal wasn’t even one-fourth finished and I was already contemplating buying five Nachos corn dogs and stuffing them all in his mouth.

But then he suddenly stopped. I looked up and saw why. Two gay guys were sauntering towards Mr. Nachos Corn Dog Sir Ma’am Barker. They were the epitome of twinkhood: almost rail-thin bodies shoved into tight jeans and just as tight tees, spiky hair (sooo yesterday, if I may add) gelled to within an inch of death, and no, wait… they weren’t sauntering, they were sashaying. Well not exactly sashaying, they were HHWS (Holding Hands While Sashaying).

I looked at Barker’s eyes full of fascination and envy, and at that point I got him. They passed un-assaulted by the slacked-jawed Barker; he never took his eyes off them the whole time.

When they were around 15 feet away, Barker managed a feeble, “Nachos corn dog, suuurrr…? Suuurrr? Suuuuuuuurrrrrr?” but they never broke their stride nor looked back.

Barker snapped out of it when a couple with their kid walked past him, and he slipped back into his “Nachos corn dog, suuurrr… me-aaammmuh!” relentless work mode.

But that didn’t bother me anymore.