In MGG, a reader named Bad Habit’s Victim wrote about an unspoken love he has for his former student. Read first about his plight entitled “To Tell Or Not To Tell…” by clicking here.
Below is my response:
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Dear Bad Habit’s Victim,
First, you are not bad habit’s victim. You are your own victim. You put meaning to everything he does. You choose to stay in a situation that makes you, in your own words, “die everyday”. You may not have chosen to fall for him (emotions have no rhyme nor reason) but you can choose to use your head instead of losing it.
What is your ultimate goal here? To break free of this bad habit, the unspoken hidden desire for him. There are several ways of doing it.
[1] The cruel way: cut clean completely. This is the ultimate cold turkey treatment. If he texts you or says sorry, brush it away. If he knocks at your door, tell him to go away. No amount of his crying in hurt and bewilderment will let you break your resolve. He can hound your common friends, trying to seek the reason why you’ve so cruelly left him. Just leave a cryptic answer: “I need to be away from you so I can find me again.” Or something just as cheesy.
[2] A variation of #1, but less cruel. Leave for some far away country, and stay in the boondocks where there’s only one Internet café. That’ll be a great excuse to not keep in touch with him (or anyone else, for that matter). Stay away for at least five years, or until you find yourself a boyfriend there to distract you from bad habit. The distance and time will surely erode the closeness you guys have, allowing you to move on.
[3] Tell him your true feelings. If you do, there are several possible reactions from him:
[a] He will freak out and step away from you. Then it’s mission accomplished—you now have all the reason in the world not to speak, talk, text, jog, watch a movie, etc. with him.
[b] He will actually reciprocate your feelings. God, don’t we all wish this fairy tale can happen to us?! But if he actually admits that he’s also been sexually and emotionally attracted to you the whole time (and was just afraid to say it), then mission accomplished again—he’s ceased to be a bad habit, and is now a good habit. Wait! He’s more than just a good habit, he’s gonna be your boyfriend! (Say goodbye to his girlfriend.) Okay, enough of this fantasy.
[c] Most straight men are actually capable of being emotionally sweet and accommodating to a fellow man, provided this man is not seen as a competitor. Because you were his teacher, he owes you a lot for being who he is at this point. That’s why it’s possible that his reaction may be (and this is the usual reaction, based on experience): “I cannot reciprocate your feelings, but I don’t want to lose you as a friend.” Well and good, right? Sounds magnanimous of him, right? Riiiiiight… for him. But what does that mean for you? You’re the one on the losing end here. You may want him to be a friend, but you’ve got to get over your romantic feelings for him. But to do that, you have to destroy whatever feelings you have for him—and you cannot, I repeat, cannot, one more time in all caps, CANNOT do that with him hovering around you all the time, asking you out, saying sorry cuz you’re sungit, etc. The moment the truth is told, expect that the friendship you have is AUTOMATICALLY ALTERED FOREVER. Don’t wish for the friendship to remain the same; past is past. (And that’s why whenever I hear someone tell me, “Let’s just be friends,” my first reaction is, “I already have, lots.” And I move on. If we’re really meant to be just friends, it’ll just happen.) So after you tell him your feelings, be kind to the both of you. Give each other space; stay away from each other. It’ll take months, but you just need to break free of this bad habit. (Usually, a new crush or love interest is one of the fastest ways to get over someone.)
[d] A mixture of [a] and [c]. He’ll freak out, but only just a bit. Then he’ll say, “I cannot reciprocate your feelings, but I don’t want to lose you as a friend.” If this happens, follow my advice from [c], and just stay away from each other. You need the space so you can break free from this bad habit.
[e] He’ll be dedma. As in, either he didn’t get it, or he pretended not to get it. if it’s the first, then you don’t deserve a Bobita Rose. If it’s the latter, you don’t deserve this kind of deception. A deception for what end? And to whose benefit?
[4] Continue to die everyday. Now, you don’t really want that option, right?
It’s Holy Week, a time for penance, sacrifice and abstinence. Perfect time, don’t you think?
5 comments:
When it comes to break-ups, I go for clean cuts. The cleaner the cut, the faster the healing process. Cruel na kung cruel.
I've been in a hauntingly similar situation, except we were nearer together in age. I confessed everything, and the friendship seemed to collapse after that, even if he promised that nothing would change. Things weren't innocent anymore.
Mercifully, fate took over. I had to leave town for some years, and somehow managed not to keep in touch a lot. When I returned, he had just gotten married, and I had found somebody new.
We're friends again, on honest, more level-headed terms, and can laugh about the entire dramatic episode.
It still hurts a little bit from time to time. Pero cheap drama na lang yun, para naman makulay ang buhay.
spoken from the heart...
better tell him and see what happens.i don't think running away would solve this. there would always be that "what if" question hanging.
this actually happened to me when i fell for my best friend. i told him and he did say "sorry i'm not into that but we can still be friends." (friends mo mukha mo [bitter ba?]).
well, we did stay as bestfriends. we still went out everyweekend. god, he even went with me to Bed. but everytime my hands would wander...he'd always remind me that his girlfriend would mind (fuck the girlfriend! [bitter nga!]).
i later got tired of his "my gf would mind" shit and i guess he also got tired of my wandering hands. we kinda drifted apart. we're still friends but i haven't seen him in six months.
but yes, telling him was the right thing to do....for moi at least.
this is true to the core! one of the amazing things ive ever heard in my entire damn life. cruel and it bites deeply. i hope this would help mr bad habit's victim in alot of million ways and change his mind of going out w/ mr bad habit. munch and swallow every piece of it. it cud be a simple mistake, that nobody can ever correct. i wish him peace of mind...
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