What Drives Me

Sigh. I really should avoid titles that remind me of my damaged car.

Speaking of which, people assure me that karma will get the thief in the end. Okay. But what if the reason my car was broken into and I lost my bag is because karma got back at me for spending Holy Week in unholy activities in F and CB? And when karma hits the thief, will someone else be affected by it too? What if bad karma is like energy? Energy cannot be lost; it is merely converted to another form of energy. Karma cannot be lost; it is merely converted from bad to good and vise versa.

Makes me wonder if I should take a break from scratching every time an itch develops. Or limit myself to just scratch-my-own-itch. I should ask an expert if I already qualify as a sex addict.

I’m also beginning to worry that I’m just really more interested in the hunt and the chase. Worse, I’ve been programmed since grade school to always seek challenges, but at the same time they drilled into our heads that failure is not an option. (So much for the “Try and try until you succeed” and “Learn from your mistakes” advice.) So with that kind of undue pressure, I developed a destructive pattern of running (or pining) after impossible “conquests” i.e. chasing after straight guys or hanging onto a guy who has turned me down or shows absolutely no interest in me.

With straight guys I get the challenge but I have an escape clause to avoid being called a failure: He’s straight. One cannot “fail” in a situation where there is no possibility of success. If I manage to snag a straight provincial guy (I think they only make ‘em in the provinces—Manila seems to turn them into macho dancers or hustlers), he will end up leaving me for a woman and why is that not a failure? Because as a straight guy he was built to leave me anyway, so how can one succeed when the players in the playing field are not only on different teams, they play different sports!

Convoluted thinking? It gets worse. As to the gay guys who’ve turned me down or show no interest in me: this “hoping-against-hope” is a “safe” challenge because I’m supposed to not succeed. “Not succeed” is different from “fail.” If the guy turned me down because he already has a boyfriend, then I’m not supposed to succeed because success will make me a home-wrecker (see karma, above). If he is really not that into me, then how can I “fail” at something that has near-zero possibility of me succeeding? I say “near-zero” because I allow the possibility that I can, over time, make him realize what a wonderful boyfriend I can be and he’ll change his mind about me. The possibility of that happening though is so remote that statistically it doesn’t count.

Do you have a headache at this point? Same here. I think I’m going to go raid our ref and eat ice cream now. Oh, and to anyone who takes everything I say so seriously that he’d analyze and point out mistakes in the reasoning or thinking, I say to him, chill, homie!

(Obviously the easy way out is to think this way: if there is no chance of success, then there is no challenge there in the first place. Except that I take perverse pride in hitting my head against a wall. Masochist me.)

* * * * *

Leigh thinks my market is not here in the Philippines. She says very few Pinoys really “get me.” Huh? Maybe she believes I’ll click with aliens. Maybe I should start practicing then:

[a] “McVie, phone home.” _______________
[b] “Re-mi-do-do-sol.” _______________
[c] “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to sufff-errr-iiing.” _______________
[d] “We’ve been observing your Earth. And we’d like to make a contact with you. Baby.” _______________

Identify correctly from where the abovementioned quotes came from or were inspired from. Get all four (4) quotes right and you get a chance to win a prize: a tongue licking all over your body courtesy of yours truly. Promo is for April 10, 2007 only. Females of the species are disqualified from joining. Per DTI-OuterSpace Permit No. 69, series of 2007. Lick moderately.

(Sigh. And I just said I might be turning into a sex addict.)